at soccer practice a mom next to me asked her kids if they wanted to do cartwheels with her and i’m like shut up no one likes you
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“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I?
I took a nap until I finally heard a car coming.”
Not to brag in front of all the other moms at this swim meet, but my kid can swim in slow motion.
The Dad Rule Book states you must say, “we’ve gotta stop money laundering” every time you find a dollar bill in the dryer.
I know I sound like a broken record but tomorrow I’ll sound like a misfiring engine and, next week, continuous loud television static.
The hand doctor told me that I can no longer cook, clean, or vacuum.
Which would be amazing news if I actually did any of those things.
Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.
[dog dies in a movie]
Me: *crying*[human dies in a movie]
Me: *crying* why did they have to kill that dog earlier
Me: you know how in movies someone is yelling at someone else and the sexuality of the exchange overtakes them and they start making out
Wife: yes why
Me: my boss fired me today
monster under my bed: I’m gonna eat you
me: [pulls covers over head] your move
Stewardess: Both pilots are unconscious! Does anyone know how to land a plane?!
Dad who’s fed his toddler several times: *confidently stands up*
[birthday party]
*giant cake is wheeled out, exotic dancer jumps out of it*
me: *dejectedly puts down fork*
everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything
The best thing people can do in a bear attack is break down emotional barriers.
Convince the bear she’s loved and has value.
Compliment her commitment to her cubs.
“Raising kids AND hunting? How do u find the time?” is a fantastic ice breaker.
“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”
– me, peeping at you in the shower
Mary had a little lamb.
The doctor fainted.
If you hit a person with a Tesla
will you be charged for battery?#OneLinersDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
One time a guy came up to me at a bar and said “do you like air conditioning” and I said “yea” and he said “me too.” and he just walked away. I miss him everyday
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
I love how girls say that they like a guy with a sense of humour and yet you’ll never find a poster of Mr Bean on their wall.
me: ..but is it peri-NE-um or per-IN-eum?
priest: for the third time, confession does not need to be this specific
Lo AND behold? in this economy?
When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.
due to circumstances outside of my control I ended up at an Applebees and let me say it is absolutely phenomenal to have gen z in the work force. the waitress held up a plate, wrinkled her nose, and went “I wanna say these are…ribs?”
put on a suit for a job interview this morning and neighbors wished me good luck in court, wtf
i am fine with my casket + dead body being dug up by grave robbers as long as they do it in the style of an unboxing video
Got Fired by the Zoo for Giving all the Meerkats Tiny Binoculars
Me: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
Husband:
*3 hours, one x-ray and $156 later*
Doctor: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
The reviews for Cats are in (17% on rotten tomatoes), and they are spectacular.
Chameleon wife: “Does my bum look big in this dress?”
Chameleon husband: “What dress? Where are you?”