You cause one minor incident at a museum and everyone is “Irreplaceable Egyptian mummy” this and “Could have used regular toilet paper” that
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My son, 15, DOES NOT KNOW the name of the street we’ve lived on for 7 years. We are taking him to the vet to get micro-chipped.
Each time my husband yells for the Warriors an angel (me) uses his credit card.
If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.
The snake that couple found in a bag of lettuce in Aldi is just one more in a long list of reasons to avoid salad.
90% of the men who cheat and get caught give bad name to the rest 10% who only cheat.
Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.
Pilot: Plane’s too heavy, must shed 5 passengers!
Co-Pilot: A deserted island’s below us…
*lock eyes* We have to MAROON 5!
*plane implodes
I don’t like when they use “late” to describe a deceased person. It’s like give a guy a break on his attendance, he’s dead.
*shaking head* I can’t tell which news stories are real or are April Fool’s Day pranks. I mean, you could say “Aliens have landed & have demanded to talk to the whales” & I’d just think “So 2022.”
Told my kids I loved them at carpool and no one responded so I yelled, “I love you too!” while hanging out of the sunroof.
Me, 1
Kids, 0
WATSON: we found one set of footprints in the driveway
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe]: so God was carrying the suspect
[An alternate reality where Smurfs live among us and I see Smurfette at the bar and she’s looking real good]
Me: Hey I think you’re really bluetiful
Wait…the “S” in ASAP doesn’t stand for “Slowly?”
Shit.
This has cost me 27, maybe 28 jobs.
It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.
I’m a self-made hundredaire
Husband: I’m going to take kids to do something fun today so you can relax.
Me: sounds awesome!
H: Will you get them ready for me?
Party Cat & Scaredy Cat
Finally, a cream that replaces me with another person
Me: [has trouble opening up to people and making real, lasting connections my entire life]
My Kid: [makes 3 new friends and joins a gang on his first day of 4th grade]
Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.
Sunday afternoon is for relaxing, so watch this go in a loop as many times as you need
In California, there’s just “pot” at the end of the rainbow.
once, at a girl scout event in the early 90s, my mom asked a girl what she wanted to be when she grew up & the girl responded “either a chef or a spy, so either way, i’m going to the CIA,” and it’s been 30 years and that’s still one of the best jokes i’ve ever heard in my life.
ppl always judge adam & eve for listening to the talking serpent but u never hear a single person say anything about dr doolittle
We need a marketing campaign to teach the Crayola people what “washable” means
I got mom shamed for giving my kid a chicken nugget like there are way worse things I do to my kids I promise you they won’t be telling their therapist about the chicken nuggets
I want an ice cream sundae so big that it edges into mondae
Me: *on the toilet*
2yo: *banging on door* Daddy!! Daddy!!! DADDY!!!!
Me: I’m downstairs!
2yo: Oh… *runs off*
Me: Why have I not tried that before?
My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary