Me: I’m not delusional.
Squirrel: There she goes again.
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If we get locked down again, I might actually be willing to chat with someone about my car’s extended warranty.
If you’re looking for someone to drop and spill everything, all the time, I’m your guy.
Saw a werewolf at the bus stop this morning. Or possibly just a very hairy guy. Either way, the silver bullets worked.
In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.
I threw out all the clothes that no longer fit and now I’m a nudist.
Let’s band together to stop Muppet cruelty. How many Elmos need to die before people will take notice?
“This does not bode well.” – a guy at the returns desk, explaining why he’s returning a boder.
Gramps: *on deathbed* I feel like Im forgetting someth- *dies*
[2 yrs later]
Me: *knocking water outta my ears**quarter falls out*
Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.
The fact that Zillow isn’t a pillow company is a goddamn tragedy, it’s a pillow plus zzz!
I’m annoyed giraffes don’t eat birds directly outta the sky
*hears someone breaking in*
*grabs gun and walks down hallway*
*cord drags*
*realizes I grabbed Nintendo gun from Duck Hunt*
*gets shot*
To ‘There’s a Hole in the Bucket’
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, Dear IT
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, accessThen check your email
Dear cheeky, dear cheeky
Then check your email
Dear cheeky, check itI can’t access my network
Dear IT, dear IT
(repeat endlessly)
I think a funny idea would be if our telescopes become more and more powerful, but human space travel remains unsolvable, & all the other races in the galaxy encounter the same problem. So we just become a bunch of guys looking into each other’s houses. An intergalactic Next Door
Dear Mr. Horsefly:
Today you angrily, and aggressively, began to attack me without mercy or remorse as I tried to enjoy a refreshing beverage outside.
Just know, the reason I quickly ran into my home was not because of you, but because I had to turn off the oven.
[fight scene – me and a murderer kick a gun across the room and grapple for it]
me: [reaching under couch] shit
murderer: let me try i have longer arms
me: you do not
murderer: do too. stand up
[we measure arm length]
me: wow
murderer: yeah i got like a 6’3” wingspan
I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN
An Autobiography
If you’re a software developer, are you code-dependent…
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? ‘Cause your husband’s out here acting like you don’t exist.
*Doorbell rings*
*it’s a regular kid*
“Trick or treat!”
…and what are you supposed to be?
*removes face, revealing an unending void*
HUMAN
If tomato paste is made from tomatoes, the toothpaste industry has a lot of explaining to do
Kinda rude my neighbours live next to me.
Hey men, we women love it when you hit us up out of the blue for sex. I mean really, I’ve been waiting for this day for a year, Josh.
ok like just. call me at this point
[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die
I don’t remember taking this vow of celibacy.
bored gunna start making up careers: milk sommelier, door to door toothbrush salesman, Sponge repairman, host of america’s funniest sex tapes, Secretary of toiletries, train model, chief executive dysfunction officer, president of a university, pig jockey, salt tester, underwater
Not today