During winter months, some people will try to hug you just to steal some of your body heat.
Beware of false huggers.
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Jesus: this is my body
disciples: *eat bread*
Jesus: this is my blood
disciples: *drink wine*
Jesus: I also made brownies
Judas: but I have diabetes
Jesus: huh. Well, isn’t this a shame *holds eye contact while eating a brownie* shame, shame, shame
Apostrophes are important.
“I fed the dog”
“I f’ed the dog”
Learn this simple rule. Your friendship with Sarah McLachlan depends on it.
Take revenge, crap on a pigeon.
a man in whole foods asked how i was doing and i said ok how are you and he said “it is beautiful in my soul today” and that’s why i never go to whole foods
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
Where did you come from
Where did you go
Where did you come from
Pokémon Go
Just passed a mum with her little girl, no older than 7, who was crying over a skinned knee.
Mum: I don’t think we need to cry over this anymore.
Little girl, still crying: This is in NO WAY a WE situation.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He wore the grin of a man who has never fallen off a ladder. His knees felt like reheated custard.
Normalize hissing at people who stand too close to you in the checkout line.
i bet it really sucks to throw up if you’re a giraffe
“We’ve got company.” Unwelcome news in a car chase. Scarcely better on your front porch.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
TRAPEZE ARTIST: I couldn’t live without it
I told my Mom that I was going to the Apple store and she said, “You sound like you’re 4 – it’s the grocery store”.
Good news, you survived the horrific car crash. Sadly we couldn’t find the other guy’s arms but we managed to reattach all four of yours
For Halloween I’m going as an emotional roller coaster.
“Everyday I’m mumblin'”-Bane
6yo Son: Dad, why’d you spray cologne down there when you got outta the shower?
Me: How’s ice cream for dinner sound?
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
The road to hell is paved with good intentions
Note to self…avoid good intentions at all costs.
Me: * spends the day cleaning the house*
My kids: what have you done?!
12: Can I have $20?
Me: I think you mean borrow
12: I don’t think that’s what I mean
Boss: And you’re not showing the new people around until you stop referring to the washroom as “where the magic happens”
Should the hole from my vaccination shot be beeping a day later?
Just shoveled for 30 minutes so the pizza guy could deliver my food
Priorities
Lost the library card. Been missing over a month.
Went and got a new library card.
Came home, put library card in a safe place and found old library card in the same spot.
❤️❤️❤️
Saw a Police Officer standing right in the middle of the road, in front of traffic, with his hand up, but when I go in for the high 5 suddenly I’m the idiot.
My opponent would have you believe I wear a tinfoil hat to block government mindreaders. I wear it to pretend I am from space. No questions
*hires sky writer to propose to psychic girlfriend*
WILL YOU MARRY ME
*2nd planes flies by 5 seconds later*
HELL NO
My 5yo, asserting his independence on the last day of school by coming downstairs dressed in fleece pants on a 90 degree day. I’m sweating just looking at him.