“Welcome to the library, can I help you”
“Yeah I need you to make copies and and find the forms I need from this website and print them and also could I get a pen and an envelope”
“Shall I pick up your dry cleaning too?”
“Oh my gosh do you guys do that, that would be amazing”
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Sorry I’m late but my goldfish needed a bath.
Fact: it is impossible to hold a machete in a friendly manner.
We can play Yahtzee again.
-You fixed the broken dice?
Yeah. And they’ll never break again.
-How do you know?
*grins*
Die mends are forever.
I’m writing a song about this year, so far i have AAAAAAAAH OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING
Samwell: My dog, Pongo?
Daenerys: Run over by a carriage.
Samwell: My goldfish, Goldie?
Daenerys: Eaten by the cat.
Samwell: My cat?
Daenerys: Choked on the goldfish.
Just as the prophecy foretold
What’s the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?
Today i started stalking guys. Not for any gay reason but it’s so much easier to do. Women always complain, guys don’t suspect a thing.
ME: we have a problem, they’re out of hot dogs
HER: that’s ok, i’m vegan
ME: ok we have two problems
[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*
Phone rang. Caller ID said FUTURE US. I determined that it was me calling from the future to give myself important information. I answered and it was indeed me, but I was only trying to sell myself aluminum siding.
This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]
WORK TIP: Respond to all your boss’s emails with “Heyyyy you!”
I’m going to steal my own tweets and get mad at myself.
Me: I’d like a raspberry margarita.
Waitress: Do you want sugar on your rim?
Me:
Waitress:
Me: [looking nervously at my wife]
Wife: OMG SHE IS TALKING ABOUT THE DRINK
Parenting is just putting throw pillows back on the couch every ten minutes until you die.
Found her drawer full of personal massage devices.
Poor thing. Her back must be killing her. Anyone know a good chiropractor?
If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.
The Lion King really created trust issues between me and the nephew.
Horror reviews are my favorite thing because they’ll be like “This book is vile. It gave me mono and siphoned all the gas from my car. It is a literal cursed object and I don’t feel safe around it. Five huge stars.”
[After date, walking her to her door]
Her: Thanks. I would invite you in, but I don’t want to.
Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.
Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.
Dad: Are you hungry?
Me: Yeah!!! I could eat a horse right now!
Dad: I was asking the dog.
Me:
Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?
Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks
*checks BMI chart*
*adds “get taller” to New Year’s resolutions*
Girl i dated had an outside cat who really liked me & one day when i went out for a smoke there was a bird heart placed on the wall where i usually sat. Cat was scoping me to see if i liked my gift so i did that move where you pretend to eat it so she didnt think i was ungrateful
please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke
-hearing my dog about to puke