No sound cuts through the ambiance of a fine dining restaurant quite like the unmistakable noise of my wallet being unvelcroed
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I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.
I don’t need a boyfriend, I need someone to roll me up in a carpet and throw me off a cliff.
I try to live my life like every one of the ten people Beyoncé follows.
Tried to challenge the guy in the stall next to me to a thumb war, now he’s holding my hand & crying about his childhood.
I need to wipe.
Ffs laughed out loud 😂
*pulls at 28° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 29° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 28.528419094° angle… STAYS!!
– Me pulling up Blinds
Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie
Not to brag but drunk me just decided to start taking pictures for sober me in the morning…
Backstreet Boys: everybody, rock your body
Dwayne Johnson: i got this
Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter…
it’s the thought that counts
Girl, if you’re into rocks, I promise you’ll be
ABRAHAM: You didn’t get me anything for Father’s Day.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, let’s call it even.
ABRAHAM: I feel like you use that excuse a lot.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, probably gonna keep using it.
Me: I would like to summon my daughter and feel her presence once more.
Psychic: Okay. We ask for the daughter to come down and —
Daughter: I’M IN MY ROOM, MOM!
“Ah, Mr Bond, I-”
*closes laptop lid and pulls up trousers*
“-wasn’t expecting you.”
i watched my wife fall off a cliff… your whole world can change in a matter of seconds. mine almost did.
surgeon: we’re only allowing family right now
olive garden waitstaff: yeah that’s why we’re here
*first date*
Her: I love strong guys…
Me: I would fight
Her: …with a playful side…
Me: with Mickey Mouse
Her: …and a naughty side…
Me: in bed
Her: what
Me: what
Okay friends, gonna start reading Garfield comics please don’t spoil which day he doesn’t like for me.
#SaturdayBears
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: ha nice try
I: excuse me?
M: that’s how Lex Luthor beat Superman. I’m not stupid.
My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.
ME: *does entire national anthem with armpit farts*
WIFE: see what I mean?
THERAPIST: Mmmhmm *writes in notes: “she’s nuts. This guy rules*
judas: hey man want to come out to last supper
jesus: what?
judas: regular supper, we’re having regular supper tonight, are you free
[giving grandmother’s eulogy]
But on the plus side, that’s the fastest she ever got down the stairs.
Me: I woke up feeling super happy and confident, this is great! Nothing can go wrong.
Those Shoes That Make My Feet Smell Like Old Cheese: hey girl. wear me.
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
me: “i have designed the world’s first electric car specifically for owls”
reporter: “owls? is it popular?”
me: “it’s turning heads”
[Shouts to passing jogger]
“Is there cake?”
every. time.
My daughter saw my mascara brand was called better than sex and asked what that meant so I said it meant better than secretaries cause they write and holy shit pray for me she doesn’t google it.