They didn’t ghost you. Their spouse found out.
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Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.
Cop: Where were you on the night of July 19th 2009?
Me: Well I had diarrhea that day
Cop: That was 10 years ago. How do you remember that?
Me: *slamming fist on table* I have diarrhea every day
Been thinking about getting dressed since I got out of the shower 3 hours ago. It’s quite obviously not going to happen but like everyone always says, it’s the thought that counts…
This a good idea
“siri i want 2 get up at 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a potato clock
“no siri the TIME 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a tomato clock
“si…”
u bought 100 eggs
Stephen King ruined corn children for me
My cat is trying to kill me. 🤣
I’m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.
Our youngest’s throat is so sore that she can’t talk, so we’re having her breathe on all the other kids.
5: dad is sixty eighty?
me: wtf
5: is today tomorrow?
me: the hell?
5: Saturday Sunday Monday?
me: hey honey, 5 is broken.
random dude: heeeeeeeeey
me: i know how to hide a body
The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles
[First Day Working At The Zoo]
Me: Well I got the pandas to have sex. It was super easy.
Boss: They actually mated with each other?
Me: Oh not with each other
I was just on a date with a woman and, while showing me a video on her phone, saw she received a text that said “well, looks aren’t everything.” Oof
Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.
There weren’t any open tables at this sports bar so I yelled “Chad, you left your Jeep lights on!” and now I can sit wherever I want.
Dad: Thanks for cleaning your room Emily. Unlike certain other children of mine, who will remain nameless.
Son: *eyes welling up* Please give me a name, I’m 17
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but rather it is giving her the tools to enable her to obtain those things for herself” I reflect as I apply the finishing touches to my 5 year old‘s flamethrower.
Why do they call it a “shit-eating grin”? I don’t think I’d be smiling if I was eating shit.
If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
I locked myself out of my office twice already today. I guess Mercury definitely in rubbermaid.
[At the Rumble]
her *aggressively taking off earrings and heels*
me *desperately trying to find somewhere to set down my ice cream cone*
Would you PLEASE stop being so damn THIRSTY??
My car:
Most Brands: Sandals and flip flops should cost a normal amount, between $10-$30
Gucci: What about $200?
Old Navy: Give us some loose change. What’s that, a button? Fine
I like to stop drinking somewhere between “watch this” and “ohhhhhh shit”.
Of course I can keep a secret, It’s the people I tell it to that can’t.
health teacher: so, all of our bodies are about 70% water
snowman exchange student: (raises hand)
My mom still hasn’t used the roomba I bought her two years ago for Christmas because, quote, “I don’t want it to judge our house.”
getting my head stuck in the armhole of a mensa shirt