Autocorrect changed cute dimple to cute pimple and now he won’t reply to my messages.
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How many wicks would John Wick wick if John Wick could wick wicks?
It’s the little things that show you care. When she makes my sammich I always ask her if she wants a bite.
I’m not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.
Dog: I will do anything for you
Human: drop the ball
Dog: nope
If she’s got matching bra and panties on you know what that means… it means both were clean at the same time simmer down
i’ve eaten so many carbs during quarantine, my blood sugar is now regulated by pancakereas
If I’m reading their lips correctly, it looks like my neighbors are having an argument about the creepy guy next door.
Me: *about to go into a meeting*
My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: i didn’t need it, there was a toilet
Me: guess who I bumped into at the store
My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone
Some nice person with absolutely no issues of their own dm’d me and asked how I sleep at night being such a “bloodsucking piece of sh*t divorce attorney” and I said, “like a baby on 1000 thread count sheets.”
Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.
A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
Him: What’re you eating?
Me: All of it.
*licks excess icing off mixer & spoon*
Wife: Aww, thanks hun!
Me: For what?
W: Doing my dishes!
M: Oh, I didn–
W: …
M: You’re welcome.
Start calling divorces “incidents”
Level up on that intrigue
my boyfriend invited the neighbors over for dinner “sometime,” so now we have to move.
Guy on Tinder: I speak 12 languages
Me:
Guy on Tinder: I made my niece a yacht out of chewing gum, balsa wood, and macaroni
Me: *plays the kazoo perfectly with my left nostril
Someone gave me a star as a gift. I’m planning on sprucing it up with some planets and asteroids and using it as a summer vacation spot.
Ladies, why y’all do this?
[new snowman watching the snowfall]
Is this *gags* is this flesh?
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
So basically what I’m saying is that Face Off is misleading and the movie should be called Ha Ha Got Your Face FBI Man
I don’t got that dog in me. I got that cat in me. Bam knocked your water cup right off the counter. Now I’m gonna take a nap
Relationship status: interlocking my fingers with five mozzarella sticks like I’m holding hands
My father-in-law spent the morning teaching my daughter Spanish, and it was all wrong.
I didn’t have google maps growing up. The way you knew you were going the wrong way was by driving into a different state.
My biggest fear is a serial killer brewing a fresh pot of coffee, while I’m trying to play dead.
Be the reason your neighbors have that why me look in there eyes whenever they see you