Psychology says:
People will believe everything written after “psychology says.”
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When a tough guy comes at me like “Hey! You want some of THIS?!” I’m scared, but also it’s like… thank you for asking, you know?
– How much for the mobile tampon?
– Ma’am?
– It’s a bit big.
– Ma’am, it’s a lamb.
– Does it make that sound because it has detected blood?
Lassie, get help!
My kids are starting to ask questions that I don’t know the answers to so I’m going to have to trade them in for dumber models.
I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.
A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.
It was a tragic accident.
Gone too soon.
After 5 minutes of staring at grass, I came to the realization that Earth has green hair. That’ll do, brain. That’ll do.
A good hack to make my house look clean and tidy in the evening is to turn all the lights off.
We took family pictures with an actual photographer today. No one argued, no one yelled, no one whined, no one cried. Years from now we can look at these photos and say, “this is how we never were.”
I got groceries delivered from Safeway and there was a mix up where instead of hand soap and dish detergent I got a bag with 4 jars of salsa, I’m over here washing my hands with salsa and somewhere else in the city there’s a chips n’ soap party going on
Dogs “play sneeze” to show they’re playing and not being aggressive.
What better way to break the ice with your next eHarmony date?
She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano.
Sometimes, during the movie previews, I’ll turn to the stranger sitting next to me and whisper, “We should really go see that together.”
I hate it when my wife wakes me up at the crack of dawn just to tell me my alarm woke her up.
During a prostate exam #BadTimesToHighFive
*Husband sneezes loudly
Me: What do we say to Daddy, kids?
Kids, in unison: NO ONE WANTS YOUR GERMS
I promised you nothing and I’m a man who lives up to his promises.
Surprise your boyfriend with new boyfriend this valentine
[first date]
Me: I don’t like flowers
Her: orchids?
Me: nope, but it’s a little soon to be talking about starting a family
My son is playing his first soccer game tonight and I’m pretty stoked he wasn’t the first kid to start eating the grass
Amazing how each of the kids in Willy Wonka was written to represent a different deadly sin: pride, gluttony, sloth, chewing gum until you become a blueberry, greed, etc.
So many great jazz musicians were hardcore drug addicts because they had to put up with listening to so much jazz music all the time.
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” I whisper to myself as I hit send on that sixth unanswered text
“HELP! Frankenstein’s attacking me!”
911: Frankenstein? Or Frankenstein’s *monster*?
“AAAH he ripped my arm off”
911: Which one did, sir
Once a toddler learns “why?” It’s all over
I told my 5yo we weren’t going to read an extra story at bedtime so in protest he took his pillow and a blanket and went to sleep in my laundry basket filled with clothes. I wish I was making this up.
Found an m&m on the floor. It’s been there all night, but I figure that’s well past the statute of limitations on the 5 second rule.
Anyway, once I brushed off the cat hair it tasted fine.
*undercover cop knocks* Hi fill out this survey to win a free IPad!
1. name
2. address
3. email
4. where are drugs
*mustache falls off*
Pro tip:
Don’t go to knife fights. Then you never have to worry about what to bring.