BECAUSE IT’S A PERVERT
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[Last supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*plays Montell Jordan* THIS IS HOW WE DO IT
*Apostles go nuts*
Rescued a Roomba from eBay and gave it a forever home.
At first I was decayed, I was putrefied,
Kept thinking I could never live without formaldehyde…
Attention people with multiple people in your avi’s:
Draw an arrow pointing to yourself, OR replace it with a cat.
Thanks,
The rest of us
Mugger: “Hand over your wallet and that ring you’re wearing.”
Me: “You can have my wallet but I’m going swimming and I need the inflatable to help me stay afloat.”
Him: You smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: Just a bit of Ham & Cheese Hot Pocket.
Me: I know exactly what’s wrong with me, Doctor.
Dr: I told you no Google. You Googled, didn’t you?
Me: NO!
Dr: <blink>
Me: One TINY Google.
I wasn’t craving chocolate bunnies until I opened the twitter. Thanks guys, now I have to go buy Easter candy before it’s on sale.
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Bourgeoisie
ME: Really? W o w
JUDGE: *annoyed* Sir, the word is Bourgeoisie
ME:*clears throat* Eff – U – See – Kay – U
Whenever you’re feeling inadequate, remember: You know more about medicine than legitimate doctors during the civil war did.
Being a parent means often saying your child is shy rather than “he sees how creepy u are, that’s why he doesn’t want to shake your hand”.
[meeting aboard the ISS space station]
Capt: all personnel are-David sit down please
Me trying to open a window cos it’s stuffy: in a minute
You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.
When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.
Did you have a good day or did you grab a rotisserie chicken at the market that wasn’t sealed and the juice spilled all over your feet? And you were wearing flip flops.
The Beatles: 🎶 lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song
Van Gogh: here you go
I went to the house I grew up in and asked if I could have a look around. They said no and slammed the door. My parents can be so freaking rude…
*strips off clothes, stands on desolate highway holding sign saying “Last Naked Guy For 75 Miles”
No thanks, ancestry dot com. I don’t like the family I’m aware of; I really don’t need to know about anyone else
When you’re too stoned to be in a meeting and someone asks your opinion just say “well it’s a numbers game” and watch everyone nod in agreement
Cher: Do you believe in life after love?
Me: *checks dictionary*
No.
CarefulWhere’s your shoesPlease stop cryingMaybe eat somethingYou dropped the bottle- things you say to babies & drunks.
my idiot coworker was drinking a Smart Water and said “this doesn’t seem different than any other water, what a scam” so I can’t decide if he’s right or if the product actually works
My dream job is to be a gargoyle spitting rainwater away from the foundation of a cathedral
Stacy: Come over!
Me: Okay!
Stacy: My mom isn’t home.
Me: Nevermind.
[First Day Working At The Zoo]
Me: Well I got the pandas to have sex. It was super easy.
Boss: They actually mated with each other?
Me: Oh not with each other
I’m not a doctor, but I play one on eHarmony.
My obituary will say “He always found himself being lured into uncomfortable social situations by the promise of food”.
‘Sorry I liked your Facebook status, I was using my laptop as a plate’- my autobiography
I opened Facebook by mistake, it appears I’ve missed 738 birthdays because I haven’t been on for over 2 years 😳