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*GF walks in dressed up
“Who’s the babe and what’ve you done with my gf?”
GF: Haha
*tackles imposter and puts her in choke hold
WHERE IS SHE
Saying you’re single
• sobering
• gets you sad looks at parties
• invites relatives to murmur ‘you’ll find someone‘ for everSaying ‘I stand alone‘
• mysterious
• confident
• puts you on the same level as Théoden King
If microbiologists are so smart then how did they end up so tiny?
Hey girls, you are not a “mommy” just because you own a dog. You have to have a kid to be a mommy. If you are a mommy, then I am a dragon.
Apparently you can’t just say, “Not my circus, not my monkeys,” and leave your kids at the store.
Him: What’re you eating?
Me: All of it.
Stranger: ma’am do you need medical assistance?
Me: IT’S BEEN A WHILE SINCE I WORE HEELS OK?
When a waiter doesn’t write down the order and someone in your group asks for no pickles and you know that’s going to be thing that wrecks it for everybody.
Welcome to lion taming club, please take a seat. Good, now bring it with you. It is your primary weapon.
My teenager just stuck one of her AirPods in my ear and Eminem was playing. She looked me dead in the eye, as if I haven’t blasted this a million times, and had the audacity to ask, “isn’t he good?””
Tell the Starbucks barista that your name is Voldemort. Watch for those who don’t flinch when the name is called. They will be your allies.
me: everything has bluetooth these days
dentist: no ya that’s not normal
Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.
I know repetitive noises irritate people so I’m surprised there weren’t more rage-induced murders back when typewriters were being used
You: Wow, check out that cool dog
Your friend who is also an algorithm: Do you want to buy a dog? View the top ten reasons dogs are better than cats. What is the nicest dog to get? See what veterinarians say. Dog breeders in your area
I told a joke during a zoom meeting today. Nobody laughed. It turns out, I’m not even remotely funny
I’m in trouble with the wife because I toss and turn so much she can’t lean the iPad against me while watching her show about a lady who murders her husband.
Is it a bad sign when your 8 year old laptop starts smoking?
Or is it just going through a rebellious phase?
I think it broke my bf’s heart when I said he couldn’t have Salma Hayek for Valentine’s Day.
I don’t think I’m necessarily driving my husband crazy as much as I’ve already reached my destination.
This Obama guy is the worst rapper ever.
Me: Let’s start a mom and daughter journal!
12: It’s called texting.
Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that
My parents are pretty middle aged.
“So? That’s pretty norm-”
*two knights bust in*
“CHILD, DOST THOU REQUEST REFRESHMENTS FROM THE TAVERN?”
GOD: *flipping a coin* Heads! That means it’s the murder hornets.
ANGEL: *sighs* Fine
GOD: Don’t worry, I’ll release the torture squirrels next month
Well, Boatloaf, it began as a typo.
But as soon as I saw it I knew: one day it would be the name of my son.
“It’s not about who’s right or wrong.”
~ The person that is wrong
Me: “God! I hate people!”
God: “Yeah, me too.”
[commandos infiltrating enemy fortress]
COMMANDO 1: uh oh, we’ve got company!
COMMANDO 2: damn *opens wine and begins to set table*
>when you hit the end game in a JRPG but your party is underleveled