Cartoons were better when people got anvils dropped on them and accidentally smoked dynamite like cigars.
You Might Also Like
Wife: Why is there a charge for $3,000 to Men’s Warehouse?
Me: I have no idea. Don’t go outside tho
Wife – We’re invited to a gender reveal party.
Me – I always knew Ralph wanted to be a woman.
W – It’s for a baby
Me – Ralph is pregnant?
Pluto is no longer a planet, and the U.S. might have a 51st state soon.
Looks like 3rd grade was a total waste of time.
using telepathy to make the delivery guy get my package here NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or…
You think cannonballs scream ‘humans’ right before they land in water
One of my sons says he likes my new haircut, and the other will have to twirl a sign outside a Mattress Firm to pay for college, I guess.
My villain origin story? When my old apt neighbor (shared bedroom wall) set her alarm clock for the hr after she left for a WEEK LONG VACATION
Emotions so raw, Gordon Ramsay makes a clever joke about them.
my doctor: you should snack less, it can really hurt you in the long run
me: *nodding* no more running, got it
Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 🙁
My body is filled with a lot of blood!
I’m a savant in that I can look at any block of cheese, no matter the size, and tell you exactly how many Triscuits you’ll need to eat it all.
My tiny son awoke with this thought, “Mommy, my dream was glitching. Why my dream was glitching?”
*scrolls Netflix for The Matrix
It’s time.
I don’t know what the big whoop is if I run out of masks and have to put a paper bag over my head, but the police officer who pulled me over sure seemed pissed about it.
Sheryl Crow: This ain’t no disco. This ain’t no country club either.
Sheryl Crow – The world’s worst archaeologist.
Me: We start with 20 primary teeth and end up with 32 permanent teeth.
Squirrel: ours never stop growing
Walrus: and growing
Rat: and growing
Elephant: and growing
Groundhog: and growing
My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.
Sometimes it’s just nice to sit back, relax, and watch shit happen to someone else for a change.
Mom: Where are you?
Me: Mumbai
Mom: Don’t you hang up on me!
If you give someone some Beethoven CDs for a gift and they don’t like it, you can always take them Bach
NEWS ANCHOR: Here’s Gary with day 1 of his outdoor summer weather report.
GARY: [frying an egg on the sidewalk]
I quit. Back to you, John.
Took the batteries out the smoke detector for the TV remote cos I’d rather suffocate & burn to death beyond recognition in my sleep than get up to change channel.
[cat clinic]
CAT: I have insomnia
DR. CAT: How bad is it?
CAT: I haven’t slept in 20 minutes
DR. CAT: *is napping*
Jesus: This is where I realized how heavy you are. This is where I tripped. And this is where I tried doing the macarena and dropped you.
Pro tip: when you’re on your way home, don’t answer your phone.
Someone wants you to stop at the store.
School is much tougher for kids these days. Now when they don’t get their homework done they have to come up with an excuse like, “The dog ate my laptop”.
Spiders and snakes are vital parts of the eek!osystem.
In all seriousness I’ve had babies in my audience before and it is genuinely a nightmare. They don’t get any of your school material and they can’t give you a standing ovation. Pathetic.
Label: Non-habit forming
Me: Challenge accepted
if you have over 100 followers there is a secret group of people who meet once a week to throw darts at a picture of your face
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah dude, it’s me, your partner