[leading my blindfolded boyfriend through my messy apartment] isn’t this exciting babe?
You Might Also Like
so amazing how my parents found each other even though they were from opposite ends of the eyebrow spectrum
me: I’m not feeling well
doctor: take your glove off
5yo: Dad, if you make me take a bath I will scream and yell and cry, and then you will have to give me a consequence. You don’t want me to have a consequence do you?
How scared do I need to be for this kid’s teenage years
I doubt God made us in his image, because Snooki.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘monosyllabic’
“Can you describe it in a sentence?”
Yes
[meeting]
ME: ok bear with me folks *pulls out a live salmon and eats it*
BUSINESS BEARS: *look around at each other and nod approvingly* this guy’s good
We cracked the code to potty training our daughter. Spider man underwear. It took her picking out her own Spider-Man underwear to completely potty train herself. She won’t have an accident because she “can’t go potty on Spider-Man”. I can’t believe that’s all it took lol
“I’ll NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
I’am drinking with my new GF and her gay friend from work. So there’s 100% chance I’am getting laid and a 50% chance I’ll like it.
POLICE: [on bullhorn] PLEASE COME DOWN, EVERYTHING’S FINE
ME: [yelling down from ledge] ARE YOU SERIOUS HAVE YOU WATCHED THE NEWS AT ALL
His best quality?
His bad eyesight. He thinks I’m beautiful.
If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.
Tequila bottles should come with a warning label saying “ may cause unexpected child support payments”
Draw attention to your older tweets by being arrested on suspicion of multiple murders.
Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.
At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.
[Rumpelstiltskin comes to take first born son]
“Give me what you promised unless you can guess my name”
Here
“Aren’t you going to guess?”
People are like, “I thought about what you said…” and my first thought is always, “Oh no.”
Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.
me: I’m quitting, here’s my badge and gun
zookeeper: your what
My friend is so frugal if he starts dreaming good he wakes up so as to not spend it all at one time.
I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
My parents are cruel. They used to give me pocket money but would also buy me clothes with no pockets.
Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?
Me: *reverses baseball cap*
Hi, I’m Ben. You might remember me from such dates as “Hey, your friend is cute.” and “I forgot my wallet at home”.
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
911,What’s your emergency?
Me: I think it’s a heart attack
911: Can you call back when you’re sure, we’re watching Walking Dead
Microwaving fish is an office faux pas. I roast mine over an open flame in the bathroom
Them: Hey aren’t you that guy that keeps inventing useless things?
Me: Not anymore! Allow me to introduce to you-
Them: Oh Jesus
Me: -the portable hat!
ME: One time I was attacked by a shark
REPORTER: Wow! [turns on recorder] tell us what it was like
ME [leans in to mic] A massive fish