I had my arm bandaged all day because I got a large tattoo yesterday. So today coworkers were all, “WHAT HAPPENED?”
My answered ranged from “arm herpes” to “sex swing injury.”
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WIFE: I can’t believe you slept with my twin thinking it was me
ME: Cut me some slack – he was wearing your perfume
work smarter, not harder
Intimidate your opponent by fielding a team of flying monkeys
My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.
WTF. I was looking right at her.
Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.
I’m what the New York Times once referred to as “an acquired taste…like bleach.”
Just sayin’ elbow macaroni’s gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between elbows and macaroni.
Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions
Check in desk: We’ve oversold the flight so I’m going to put you in business class.
Me: Great.
*later*
Professor: The first rule of business is- you’re late. Please sit down.
Me: I think there has been a mistake.
Professor: I said sit down.
According to my bank account, I’m Rich!
Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.
hey guys I’m having a tough time deciding who to believe. On one hand, the most prestigious doctors in the world are saying COVID-19 is something to take very seriously. But at the same time, this guy I went to high school with who “sees through the media” says otherwise. help 🥺
things to call your girlfriend:
sugar
honey
flour
egg
salt
butter
stir thoroughly
pour into pan
preheat oven to 350
bake for 15min
enjoy
[Sits on chair backwards]
Now let me tell you about another “righteous dude” who had long hair and wild ideas.
Husband: *buys anything* Let’s save the box in case we need to return it.
[2 years and 250 boxes later]
Me: Honey, the kids are lost in your box maze again.
Physics Teacher: What is
this measurable unit “µ”
called? Student : Torrent
The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.
Groom: Dude, the invitation was for Gandalf the Grey.
Gandalf: Oh, it’s Gandalf the White now.
Bride: [fuming]
Gandalf: [looks fabulous]
i was so happy to be snuggled on the couch with both my kids when my sweet daughter turned to me, patted me and sweetly said “mommy you have a big big tummy”
parenting is not for the faint of heart
I asked my brothers why they’re getting two separate ps5s when they live in the same house and can share, and they told me to go share my phone with my mum😑
My parents moved a lot when I was younger.
My sister and I always managed to track them down though.
iron man: it’s not gonna work
me: trust me [walks up to thanos, takes off my glove and slaps him in the face with it] good sir, i challenge you to a duel
thanos: [starts to take off his gauntlet to return my slap but stops] oooo you almost had me
Who else holds a fridge door open like you’re waiting for some answers?
What an awful time to have common sense.
Obama: any good ideas in how to defeat isis?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: besides assembling the Avengers?
*Biden lowers hand*
*turns on broadcast TV*
Wow, I’m actually watching TV as it airs. Who even does that anymore?
*sees Activia ad*
*sees Metamucil ad*
*sees Cialis ad*
I think I have the answer.
Writing a horror story where parents won’t just drop off their children for a play date. They also want to sit and talk. It’s called, “You Really Don’t Have to Stay.”
me: wow Pokemon names are getting more and more ridiculous, don’t you think so?
taco bell employee: *nods* taco bell employee
Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.
Happy Halloween! I am currently dressed as Schrödinger while simultaneously not dressed as Schrödinger.