Here’s a promise – if a scuba shop is within sprinting distance of the ocean and they let me try stuff on I’m not paying for a damn thing.
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I just saw a birdbath gravestone, what a great idea, visitors for life..or death I should say
My kids say I need to stop trying to embarrass them but joke’s on them because I’m not even trying.
Nurse: Know your blood type?
Me: Type-O
N: That’s good!
M: Not really. Makes me spell everything wrong. ZING!
N: Get out
M: Fair enough
“Hola! I’m Señor Coconut, children”
[cracks head on the pavement. Children scream]
“Drink me. Drink me. I’m full of vitamins and minerals”
Everyone was naming their favourite French movie and I couldn’t think of one so I just said “Ze Hurt Lockair”.
GHOSTBUSTER: so wait, you called us because your neighbor painted his fence purple?
ME: it’s strange, weird, and it doesn’t look good—your lyrics couldn’t be more clear about this
I’ll start the new year off with my favorite joke from 3rd grade:
Why do gorillas have such big nostrils?
Because they have such big fingers.
Happy New Years, friends. Let’s try to make it to the next one too…
Tonite on House Hunters: Jill wants 4 bedrooms, granite countertops and a home spa. Bob wants to be stabbed in the driveway.
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they just beat the room for being black.
*drops mic, gets beat by security*
3-year-old: There’s a spider on the carpet!
Me: Haha, that’s just a piece of fuzz.
*fuzz moves*
Me: EVERYBODY OUT OF THE HOUSE!
First date idea: Couples Colonoscopies.
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
A rusted van sits under a bridge.
Rats gnaw on moldy Scooby Snacks.
Shaggy takes a hit off the pipe.“WHY COULDN’T YOU LOVE ME VELMA?”
There are few situations in life which have to be resolved with violence for example-
Mosquito on your ex’s cheek.
My mom was right. My face did stay this way.
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
Me: Excuse me, where’s the rowing boat equipment?
Employee: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
Me: …
Employee: …
Me: Or you’ll what?
If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.
Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*
5 walked in on sexy time last night and yelled “Mommy’s in danger” so I’m just wondering if it’s better to explain it to her teacher or just wait for the call?
Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter
[late to work]
boss: well ??
me: (panicking) uhh my car got stuck in the suez canal
Does anybody know what day Easter falls on this year?
“Can I get a umm…”
-every person ever at the drive thru
My parents are replacing a toilet in the house I grew up in, so now it’s just some potty that I used to know.
Thanks for following.
Haha, all I’m saying is there’s no need to put a little umbrella in my drink… It’s already wet.
“To be is to do” – Socrates.
“To do is to be” – Nietzsche.
“Do be do be do” – Sinatra.
“Beep beep beep” – R2D2.
[Dentist chair]
Him: Lie back and open wide
Me: At least buy me dinner first
Him: *sigh* Please don’t tweet this
Me: *typing* Too late
This Halloween I’m going as that friendly guy who walked around your college campus but wasn’t even enrolled & turned out to be 28 & then disappeared completely
Yet another “No DMs” bio. All this civil rights progress but bigotry against Dungeon Masters is still tolerated.