I hate long distance relationships so I’m moving the fridge to my bedroom.
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Yeah, I know what my neighbors wear to bed. Not because I look in their windows; I just see them during the day at Walmart.
Heads, you give me your phone number, tails you go on a date with me.
*flips coin into ceiling fan, it’s knocked out a window into the sea*
“Read ’em and weep” I say as I lay down my hand: a collection of my grandparent’s handwritten love letters from WWII.
no, YOU’RE holding a fresh loaf of bread like a newborn baby
“you’re odd”
“you are also odd”
“yes”
“so we’re even”
I had a call from a charity asking me to donate old clothes for starving people. I told them anybody who fits into my clothes isn’t starving
*wakes at 3am*
*sits in dark*
*jingles chains & scratches walls*
*waits for everyone to be so creeped out they can’t sleep & we open gifts*
I’m woman enough to admit when you’re wrong
Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?
Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous
[In car, headed to store]
7: What’s wrong, Mommy?
Me: *scratching* When I got my hair cut earlier, some little pieces fell down my back, in my shirt, and they’re itching me now.
[20 minutes later, in crowded Target]
Me: *scratches*
7: MOMMY, IS YOUR BACK HAIR ITCHING AGAIN?
Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.
It’s hard for me to commit when everyone I love is 70% water
DISCIPLES: Why did it take you 3 days to come back from the dead?
JESUS: [remembering all the times he hit snooze] All the praying and stuff.
99% of my news comes from Twitter. All I know is that Adam Levine cooked a chicken in Nyquil and then called its body absurd?
I think the next Fast and Furious should take place in a world with adequate public transportation. Then they wouldn’t need to worry about going so fast since they would just get everywhere on time.
Buy one annoying person, get two free!
– In-laws
Cops: put your hands where we can see them
Invisible man:
Texts “Are you okay?” Blink 3 times. No need to reply.
Q: What did the Square say to the Rhombus?
A: If it is not a Right Angle it is a Wrong Angle.
[Confession]
“I killed a man”
“Wait what”
“Lol had to get that off my chest, now why did you come in today, my son?”
Lance isn’t really that a common name anymore. In the old days, people were called Lance a lot.
*two turtles strapping themselves to a sleeping cheetah*
Just you wait, Carl! This is gonna be awesome!
Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.
My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004
I started at the bottom and worked my way down.
I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.
Executioner: final words?
Executionee:Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious
Er: you done?
Ee: didn’t buy me as much time as I thought actually.
him: hands up, this is a robbery!
me *looks around* it’s actually a bank
My 3yo demanded I eat breakfast in bed this morning. Which I’m hoping is a good enough explanation when my doctor asks why I have a belly fully of plastic donuts and chicken thighs.
knowledge is knowing the difference between ‘poisonous’ and ‘venomous’
wisdom is not arguing with your partner about it when they’ve been bitten by a snake