[toddlers, ordering in a restaurant] “garçon! your freshest fish crackers, for the lady, and for me – the sauce of one apple.”
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Date – “so they had no other chairs?”
Me [sitting on an alpaca] “no”
doctors won’t tell you this but reattaching a limb isn’t that hard what’s hard is getting it to stay after it’s had a taste of freedom
Bird snatches worm: Haha beat you to it sleepy head!
*blam!*
And early riser Hunter Harry gets delicious fried pheasant for lunch.
Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I just want a girl who gets at least 100 likes on every selfie.
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this
My 3YO thinks woman get pregnant by eating too much food that somehow creates a baby in their belly and I’m just thinking about how scary that would be.
“Do you want seconds?”
“HELL NAH! I’ve got three kids at home.”
When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.
My son: little pig, little pig, let me in!
Me: Ok first of all, rude because, yes, I have been eating more lately, no need to get personal son
My son: say your line mummy!
Me: not by the hair of my ch- OK I’M NOT PLAYING ANYMORE
I hate when people ask me “how do you feel your presentation went?”
Excuse me I blacked out & astral projected the entire time, you tell me
Back to the Future IV: Marty Mcfly stops being obsessed with his own family and goes back in time to kill Hitler.
[At dinner]
Daughter: Daddy, how much of this meatball is meat?
Me: Probably like 90%
D: So it’s 10% balls?
Me: *spits out food*
Watson was Holmes schooled
“How much for the mannequin in the clown outfit?”
“Sir, she came in with you!”
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.
I found the felon who is responsible for your lost socks. Already convicted of other crimes. It’s the fitted sheet. You’re welcome
Sometimes I tell myself that everything that I’ve been through in life is totally worth it. Then I laugh hysterically.
[rhyme factory]
BOSS: get cracking on those words that rhyme with “ow”
WORKER: yes sir
bow
cow
dow
how
*boss looks away*
low
mow
*boss looks back*
now
pow
*boss looks away again*
row
sow
tow
*boss looks back*
vow
wow
If I fall of this roof cause I’m tweeting, you fuckers have to come and take turns spoon feeding me mash in hospital.
cat: *rolls over on back* pet my belly
me: no i know this is a trap
cat:
me:
cat:
me: fine *goes to pet belly*
cat: *claws & bites my hand* hahah have some scratches, as a treat you stupid idiot
Apparently “never hesitate to tell her you love her” does not include yelling it through her window at 3am, I know this now.
dads on road-trips be like
“Hello, Yes, This is Otter.”
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted
It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse
Interviewer: I don’t think you’re a good fit for the job.
Me: [glances up from Game Boy] What makes you say that?
Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.
In the 1800s women were sometimes forced to wear an “A” on their clothing, signifying that they were Alvin from the Chipmunks.
Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.