Memo means idiot in Spanish. So yeah, I’ve written plenty of memoirs.
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and now for my next trick, i will saw a women in half. for this i need a volunteer. how about…MY EX WIFE SANDRA WOW I DIDN’T SEE YOU THERE
Friend: Here, eat this molten ball of sugar that will definitely burn your mouth
Me: No way
Friend: what if I sandwich it between graham crackers and put a small peice of Chocolate inside?
Me: Yes, that sounds delightful
People say I look amazing at my age. I just follow a simple routine of adding 10 years when I tell them how old I am.
[dentists]
technician: you want a local anaesthetic?
me, a hipster: how local are we talking?
I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x
Did my noble deed today and got a few boxes of Girl Scout cookies. It wasn’t for me, it was for the organization of course.
Hydrate the goths. No government stands a chance against hydrated goths.
Lady Doritos was my favorite character in Macbeth
“I don’t know a lot about any of this but I probably should still weigh in with my opinion”
– the voice that I fight in my head
🎵 Like a good neighbor, stay over there!! 🎶
I’m not saying iPhone’s are overpriced, but with the money I saved by buying an Android, I bought a Tesla, a Rolex and a trip to Hawaii.
[At 1st drive-thru window]
Cashier: Okay here is your change sir, you are all set.
Me: Thanks
5: Uh no we are not all set, where is our food?
If I meet you for a date and you don’t look anything like your pic, you’re buying drinks for me until you do.
No, thanks. Five hours of energy sounds terrifying.
account balance: $1400
me at wendy’s: show me the square cows
I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.
This Election is the most math I’ve done in a long time.
wife:Gotta go. You guys gonna be ok?
me [making my Pop-Tart pop out of the toaster and trying to catch it] Come on!
wife:9, you’re in charge
Based on the things my kid will and won’t eat, my cooking is apparently worse than a stale Fruit Loop covered in dog hair.
To subscribe to the NY Times, all you do is enter some info online.
To cancel your subscription, all you have to do is call them, ask to cancel, be re-directed to the canceling department, enter a special code that was sent to your phone, do 20 jumping jacks, and die a little.
Paul is coming over tonight
Paul smith or Paul who puts ketchup on everything?
[car pulls into driveway covered in ketchup]
my dentist hates when i call him a face gynecologist
I don’t give a damn what the horoscopes say, get you a girl born in February. Amethyst is one of the cheaper birthstones and if you play your cards right you can do one of those Birthday-Valentine’s Day combo celebrations.
I don’t think people are allowed to complain about a Wonka Experience that sold itself as a day of magical whimsy then delivered uncanny horror beyond comprehension
I know how to use an abacus as a tambourine.
Removing my pants wasn’t what the server meant when she said to make myself comfortable while she got my drink. I understand that now, officer.
Just once, I would love to look my kid in the eyes when he gives me a picture he spent a long time coloring, and have the nerve to say, “could you make me another one…that’s not what I wanted,” just so he can get a sense of what it feels like to make him dinner every night.
I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.
“one time, I saw a wino eating grapes. I was like, dude, you have to wait”
Friend: What happened?
15yo me: *arm in a sling* Got hit by 2 buses.Friend: What happened?
37yo me: *in a full body cast* I sneezed weird.