Not sure if my toddler goes to daycare or a disease-of-the-month club
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No, YOU just microwaved an oven mitt!
Nature can teach us a lot about navigating the workplace.
Reject new projects like a deciduous tree: “Conditions are unfavorable for me to accommodate additional photosynthesis, so I will be dormant for the winter.”
In every artist’s depiction of a meteor that caused the extinction of the dinosaurs, there’s always one T-Rex looking up at it like “That can’t be good.”
They say treat others how you would like to be treated.
Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.
Mom? I think I know my Halloween costume for this year.
-My daughter’s favorite phrase from November through approximately late September
The police sent me a photo radar ticket so I sent them a photo of a hundred dollars, so I guess we’re even.
My wife didn’t post an essay thanking our kids for making her a mom on Facebook and now child services is on the way.
Wife: Do the dishes
Me: Can’t. Holding the baby
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Can’t. Baby
Wife: Change the baby
Me: Can’t. Doing dishes.
Easy there, Jedi. Convincing me to add wings to my pizza order isn’t a mind trick.
Nativity scenes become something else entirely if you put a fork and knife in the hands of the adults.
Your Honor, these 52 selfies on my clients phone at the precise moment of the crime prove that my client can only be guilty of narcissism.
I don’t need to go to Christian Mingle to find God’s match for me because I already know it’s pizza
#Caturday
Whoever named the moon did a horrible job, that thing controls our oceans they should’ve tried harder
ME: I was left in the woods as a baby.
DATE: So, were you raised by wolves?
ME: Not exactly. *gnaws a tree in half*
I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.
Yes, yes, his usual hard boiled egg cut, please.
next time i open up to someone is during surgery
I’m “my wife will just leave me behind if I loiter too long at Target” years married.
“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.
How excited are you, on a scale from 1 to white woman who just found out that this dinner party has sangria?
I’m not sure but I think the family from Honey Boo Boo is just a family of bears that were shaved down and shown how to shit indoors.
[airport]
GF: I guess this is goodbye
ME: I told you, I’m not very good at goodbyes
GF: [crying] Goodbye
ME: [trying real hard] Hello
Kidnappers: We have your husband. Send us $10,000 if you ever want to see him again.
Me: Where I should drop off his clothes?
Ok, all you people who adopt dogs and put “who rescued who?” stickers on your car… you drive me crazy!
Clearly it’s “who rescued whom?”
This was a terrible day, I’m having live grenades for dinner.
“My favorite New Year’s resolution was to stop trying to reason with unreasonable people. This has reduced both my correspondence and my blood pressure.”
I am so lucky that I can’t tell the difference between a heartfelt compliment and sarcastic disdain. Life is much easier when you’re dumb
My son is taking a bartending class at college so I think I’m finally going to start seeing a return on my investment.