It could be worse.
You could be coughing up someone else’s lung.
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The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.
When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I just wanna to use my finger & write `”WASH ME”` on her face.
My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.
[America’s Got Talent]
Howie: so how long have you been juggling chainsaws?
Me: actually *lights them on fire* this will be my first time
[whispering to beached whale] Do you come here often?
The hardest part of the day after running a marathon is finding ways to work it into every single conversation you have.
If you only see two signs about a raccoon room today, make it these two.
My biggest regret to date is probably never telling Kary C, Kerri B, Cari R and Kerry L from 4th grade that their names were spelled wrong..
ladies, if a guy…
-remembers your birthday
-knows what you enjoy
-saves your pictures
-harvests your data
-keeps your passwords in plaintextthis guy is not your man.
this guy is mark zuckerberg.
In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.
Don’t take this wrong but if I see another baby Star Wars character I’m gonna dismember everyone
Then there were 3 sets of footprints & God said “This is Deb. She answered my Craigslist ad & U r the one who said we should try new things”
Advertisers have been tracking exactly how much soup and noodles I’ve eaten over the last 20 years and are still somehow convinced that I can afford a Lexus.
me: whatcha guys watching?
10: oh this old timey dinosaur movie
The Land before time. They were watching… The land before time…
For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.
Yet the one time I did, I got banned
If they tweet about you, establish dominance by retweeting them.
When in a heated disagreement with someone, always try to be the bigger person. That way, you can intimidate the other person with your height.
Well I guess it’s time to learn my kids’ names.
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
I just overheard someone threaten that they were going to “put their foot down”. What kind of threat is that unless you’re Godzilla?
Walking 500 miles:
-somewhat impressive
-no real purpose
-kind of weirdWalking 500 more:
-an impressive total of 1000 miles
-to fall down at your door
-da da da (DA DA DA)
the boston alphabet is only 25 letters because they threw the t in the harbor
My boss just set a meeting for July 2024 and a little piece of me died.
[2054: We develop cheap cloning technology]
[2055: Restaurant opens where you can have clones of yourself serve cooked clones of yourself]
sometimes when I think that I might be about to do something stupid or ill-advised, I think of grandma’s last words to me: “don’t unplug that”
me: it kind of feels like you’re judging me right now
judge: it’s called “sentencing”
TSA agent: Please remove all footwear
[moments later]
TSA agent: Not mine, sir
The lady at the passport office just said to the man in line: The Walgreens down the street takes great pictures.
I said: I, too, am incredibly photogenic.