Someone taught my 3yo the phrase “what in tarnation” so now I know what it’s like raising an 18th century toddler with a potty mouth.
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Reasons to not go camping No.154:
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world…
sometimes I feel sad and then sometimes I go get an apple pie and vanilla soft serve from McDonald’s and mush them together so I can be fat and sad
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix
Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.
Mom: why do you drink so much
Me: *stares at mom*
*3am
Me: *thinking* That bird sounds pretty damn happy for the middle of the night.
Bird: *chirping* Dear God why can’t I sleep?!!!
[during dinner on a date]
“I’m currently in university”
how long is your degree?
“normally a year, but I have dial up, so probably 2”
Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”
The reason that there are so many tweets about cats is that people with dogs go outside.
god: make a giant mouse
angel: okay
god: with a baby carrier on it
angel: wh- why
god: but it’s like, really good at jumping and stuff
angel: [nervously] what stuff
god: [hits joint] boxing
I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.
“The Perfect Relationship”
cop: did u see the speed limit sign
me: of course
cop:
me: but not u
Feeling authoritative. Gonna comment “behave yourself” under pictures of people just having a good time.
when i got diagnosed with adhd (as an adult) the psychiatrist referred me to some helpful articles and i was like mm not sure you fully understand the situation
Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,
I found my bagpipes for tonight.
There’s a fly in the den so my cat is reenacting the Matrix
[movie theater]
TRAILER ANNOUNCER: how far will one man go…..to protect what he loves
ME: [turning to person behind me] pretty far i bet
Read It and Weep: A Book on How to Cry
she died as she lived: screaming “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HAVE ANY OF YOUR SCREENWRITERS EVER MET A HUMAN WOMAN?????” at her computer screen
everyone: recovering from the holidays is rough, i could sure use a few more bucks
february: no
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
You never say “I love you” back
Tater tots:
Seeing Keira Knightley outside of a period piece is like running into a teacher outside of school.
I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?
ME: I need to return this blender
WALMART EMPLOYEE: Why?
ME:(thinking about how i broke it trying to blend rocks to make sand)
“Its haunted”
“How much for the mannequin in the clown outfit?”
“Sir, she came in with you!”
Dear Lord,
Thank you for these noodles I’m about to eat and the good deal I got buying them in bulk at Costco. RA-MEN!
“You’re bleeding because you don’t floss”
Me: No, I’m bleeding because I ate the entire bowl of deceivingly fake fruit in your waiting room.