Instead of calling him a paleontologist, I used to call Ross from Friends a fossil fool lol I was such a hoot in the 90s.
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I like my sentences like I like my women: awkward but with good colon usage and regular periods.
Sound smarter than you are: end words with “eaux” and sentences with “if you will.” If you’re pissed, “quite frankly” adds a nice touch.
Serious question: how long should your hug with the pizza delivery guy last? I don’t want things to get creepy.
[interview]
Where do you see yourself in the next 5 years?
Me: “OMG I’M NOT A PSYCHIC THE SIGN SAID NO SKILLS REQUIRED!”
I don’t think that i’ve ever made anyone get the butterflies. Dry heave yeah but i don’t think…no
Excel sheet: People hate me.
Fitted sheet: Join the club.
ME: ur more likely to get hit by lightning than eaten by a shark
SHARK: [biting my torso] today’s your lucky day
ME: *gets hit by lightning*
I thought my wife was super pissed at me, but it turns out she was only “disappointed” in me. Thank God, I definitely dodged a bullet there
COWORKER: turn that frown upside-down!
ME: *rotates head 180 degrees along vertical axis as eyes go black and lights flicker*
CW: uuhh…
9-year old: Dad smell this. You licked a puss.
Me: [mutes TV] what
9-year old: it’s so good. Smell it. You licked a puss.
Me: …
9-year old: [hands me a candle jar]
Me. It’s *eucalyptus*
So did you have a nice,relaxing holiday asked the all people without three kids
Today, I shall mostly be drawing little moustaches and monocles on all the spermatozoa in the biology textbooks at the library.
[Dinner Party]
ME: I’d like to raise a glass…
{years later…}
ME: Son, you’re adopted
GLASS: WHAT?!!
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
Get out, RUN! That DM was coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE
Me: I want to buy this chicken
Farmer: Ok. Gonna take him home and eat him?
*imagines self fighting crime with new chicken buddy*
Me: Yes
It isn’t enough to know you liked my tweet. I need a play by play. I want Twitter to tell me “Carl saw your tweet”. “Carl misinterpreted your tweet and had to read it again.” “Carl is now laughing at your tweet.”
One nice thing about my kids sleeping so late in the summer is that I save money on breakfast foods because it’s been completely eliminated from their diets.
Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?
Me: *playing Russian roulette* you first
Him: this is an automatic
Me: my house my rules
Protip: When your kid interrupts your next Zoom meeting just say “Oh, thats just the intern”.
I hope the guy who stole my debit card enjoys his $12 shopping spree.
Twitter’s original name was “Sentence Contest”
“Terrible twos” is such a misleading phrase. It makes it sound like other ages are better.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Do you have any room for dessert?”
Me: *thinking of my secret cake room*
“What have you heard?”
Throw away mascara that is empty???? no no no why would I do that? instead I keep them all in my makeup bag and give myself a little game of “which one of these 10 identical tubes is full?” it’s very fun and ruins every single one of my mornings
Chad Kroeger from Nickelback loves taking part in nativity plays. He has played Joseph, the Inn Keeper and even the back end of a donkey.
But he’s never made it as a wise man.
Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts
FUN PRANK: tweet “going hang gliding!!!!” then don’t tweet again for 12 years
Galentine’s Day? Friendsgiving? Cinco de Drinko? Friyay?
Take me now, covid.