If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.
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Writing cuss words on the white space of textbook pages is marginally offensive.
Parenting tip: Unplug the microwave before dropping acid because you’ll inevitably put the baby in there for safe keeping.
I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.
Old timey ghosts are boring. I want to be haunted by a valley girl with giant hoop earrings.
It’s not so much sneaking out of my kids room after she falls asleep as it is doing a trust fall out of her twin bed and hoping the discarded stuffies catch me.
For Halloween I’m just going to put these on and lay down under a house.
I know I sound like a broken record but tomorrow I’ll sound like a misfiring engine and, next week, continuous loud television static.
I accidentally poured too much hot sauce onto my lunch and damn if my life excitement didn’t just increase tenfold
guy with only ps4 and mattress on the floor who doesnt leave his apartment probably has the lowest carbon footprint but no one wants to talk about that
*replies to every political email asking for money with my own email asking for money*
her: i’m leaving u
me: bc of my drinking puns
her: yes
me: alcohol u tomorrow
Me: *petting my cat*
My cat: yes, this is great. Ok stop. I said stop. YOU HAVE VIOLATED THE SACRED TREATY THAT HAS EXISTED BETWEEN MAN AND FELINE FOR A THOUSAND GENERATIONS AND NOW YOUR HAND WILL BE DESTROYED BY MY PAW KNIVES.
In retrospect, dressing as a killer whale when I was assigned to assassinate the Pope wasn’t my best idea. I blame Ubisoft, honestly.
We’re currently showing our home & still living there.
My husband hid the popcorn maker in the oven to make the kitchen look “cleaner.”
I preheated the oven to make dinner.
We’re going to be arguing about this for awhile.
Back from the dentist, my teeth are now the most expensive things I own.
This year is like when you accidentally touch wet cat food.
*first day at gymnastics class*
Teacher: So you mentioned before you were really good at the bars? Let’s see it!
Me: Oh…um, sure? Hey man can I have 2 beers and round of shots for the table cheers bro.
Teacher: *under his breath* damn he’s good
Netflix: Are you still there?
Me: <in bed, potato chips in hair, dirty pajamas, no makeup, cats surrounding me> Do you really have to ask?
Gonna teach a bunch of old white guys the word “bae” so teens stop thinking it’s cool and it goes away forever.
Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.
I’m sorry a horse was able to unlock your phone using facial recognition…
Oh to be a whale and just have my food periodically float into my mouth
Me: (drawing sword) where do you want to eat
Wife: (brandishing battle axe) idk where do you want to eat[an eagle shrieks in the distance]
What North Korea really needs is a decent haircut.
ME: I’ll have an Irish Coffee
BARTENDER: Sure thing *drops a potato into a regular coffee*
Thanks for sending me all 67 of your kid’s Halloween photos. I’ll cherish them for …*DELETE*
I got asked for nudes once and I was like, “No, I’m married.” And he was like, “Yeah, I know. I’m your husband.”
Gonna trade in my wife’s menstrual cycle for a really cool mountain bike.
coffee: because shanking people is heavily frowned upon.
@funTweeters Thanks for publishing my tweets.