Me: sorry I’m late, my toddler made me find his blue socks.
Friend without kids: I don’t believe a 3yo can MAKE you do anything.
Me: 😶
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Lional Richie let the world know that he played no active role in raising babies or toddlers when he released the song, “Easy Like Sunday morning.”
[Career Day]
Me: Money doesn’t buy happiness. However, it does buy tacos which make me happy. In conclusion, money does buy happiness.
Kids: *raise hands*
Me: I won’t be taking any questions.
The preschoolers got to choose a free book from the book fair, so my kid came home with one we already have because she knows she likes it, and I can’t fault that logic
Everyone on earth: I’m terrible with names.
Me: Hi guys!
Everyone on earth: Oh, hi darren!
I wrote a screenplay
-No you didn’t
About our Savior
-Just stop
Opening Judea’s best ice cream shop
-Shut up
It’s Jesus Christ, Scooper Star
“Did he dump me because the AI told him to dump me?”
Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me
A movie with subtitles, but instead of writing out the dialog, they tell me where I know every single actor from.
I was texting my husband about our 4 year old and autocorrect changed “she’s pissed” to “she’s possessed” and honestly, same difference.
Me: Gimme that bread, daddy
Priest: It’s Father
If I had to pick a favorite Rocky movie, it’d be Rocky IV. I’ve never seen it but I hear Creed dies in that one & I really hate their music.
Just peed so much that a little laugh came out.
An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
~ realistic wedding vows
[does jerk off motion for 2 hours] and that concludes the hearing impaired translation of the presidential debate. all of them. god bless
I just did a zoom book talk with 100+ ppl and my mother came on and wrote this in the comments:
Look, I’m sorry about your leg but this note from my doctor clearly states that this is an emotional support wolverine.
getting a brazilian wax is just getting the rug pulled out from under you
The key to happiness in life is to set yourself small, achievable goals.
Marriage isn’t between a man and a woman. It’s between a person who is certain they closed the garage door and a person who is certain they did not close the garage door.
Mars: I’m wet
NASA: I’m coming over
[2000 years ago]
jesus: merry christmas
stranger: what?
jesus: just say it back i’m trying to start a thing
‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’
For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.
BOOGEYMAN: lauraaaaa…wake up I’m gonna EAT YOU
ME: [wakes up] finally
BOOGEYMAN: what?
ME: let’s do this
BOOGEYMAN: it’s not fun if you want it
ME: look buddy either eat me or get out i have to be up in an hour
BOOGEYMAN: s..sorry [leaves]
Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?
Santa Claus is the omicron superspreader
Sorry, can’t. I took my bra off and threw it across the room an hour ago. There’s no coming back from that.
Me: Why’d my bill go up?
AT&T: u got rid of ur land-line
M: But it should cost less if I have fewer services.
AT&T: And we threw in a donkey
M: I don’t want a donkey.
AT&T: Donkey removal is an extra $50
“Honey, it’s not that I don’t like your cooking, it’s just that the smoke’s about to asphyxiat our family.”
“WHAT’D YOU SAY ABOUT MY ASS??”
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest