i casually mentioned to my wife how ive started smiling with my eyes at work to signal no-threat and increase a sense of camaraderie and she’s like “what what do you mean smile with your eyes” and i showed her and she told me to never make that face again
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My husband just told me to relax, like he doesn’t remember we’re camping in the desert and I brought a shovel.
Me: i have one pretty serious symptom
WebMD: that you know of
*Seductively stripping out of clothes.
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
Having a personal trainer at the gym is like having that bully in school. They still terrorize you, but now they make you do pistol squats before taking your lunch money.
Boss: why are your eyes red?
Me: I got shampoo in them
Boss: we’ve talked about this
Me: *sighs* don’t wash eyelashes
Boss: mhm
Me: but you can’t deny this volume
Boss: oh I am painfully jealous
[Verizon]
SALESMAN: Can I interest you in our friends and family plan?
BATMAN: [just starts crying]
Me: don’t ever speak like that to me again
Alarm clock: *continues to beep*
[fire alarm]
Hotel California manager: oh no
[Christopher Columbus arriving in Hell]
Columbus: I’m the first person here! I discovered this!
I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.
[Invention of the airplane]
Wilbur: We’re ready
Orville: I’m still skeptical about this working
Wilbur: Hey, do you want to fight the moon or not?
Orville: *angrily making a fist* Let’s go
Me: My world is suddenly reduced to a few hundred square feet of space.
Hamster: Poor baby.
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
After my husband explained in detail what he does for work, my 6-year-old asked if he has fun at work so clearly he was not listening to a single thing my husband said.
A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.
Dyslexic Superbowl watchers were probably disappointed when they saw football instead of a superb owl.
I wish my kids are as committed to turning off the lights as they are at forcing their way into my bathroom to say “You’re eating my Kit Kats!”
adobe: i see you wish to draw a circle. let’s use 87% of your available memory for that
microsoft: i see you are using 87% of your available memory. let’s download a massive mystery update
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
Doing best/worst parts of our day at dinner w 3yo:
Him: The best part of my day was-
Me (Came into his preschool class to read to them today): yeah?
Him: Watching TV.
Me: Oh, ok.
Him: Wait! No! I just remembered!
Me: yeah???
Him: When I got the ketchup from the fridge.
I’ve never understood why someone would rob a liquor store for the money.
Cancelling plans is okay. Putting yourself first is okay. Going into the forest and abandoning society is okay. Befriending a pack of wolves and assimilating into their wolf pack is okay. Howling at the moon is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
Funny you should ask, I do have extra body bags.
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
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Tom drives smooth: Tom Cruise
Tom hasn’t left yet: Tom Waits
Tom taking low road: Tom Petty
Meanwhile, at the White House… #matwh
If he has cleaning supplies but has a dirty house, he’s a murderer.
Shrimp: My mom’s coming to visit
Starfish wife: Again?! The 3rd time this year?
S:She’s lonely
Wife: Oh grow a spi…
S: Grow a what, Karen?