Jeff is here!
“Jeff from work or Jeff the guy who announces his arrival anytime he enters a room”
Jeff is here!
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Me [sobbing uncontrollably]: why did you say that?
My favorite meteorologist: I honestly thought it would be a nice da—
Me: I WORE SHORTS BECAUSE OF YOU!!!
Go to tattoo shop to get both legs fully covered. Before he touches me w that needle, I run off yelling ‘thanks for the free shave loser!’
Airlines need to freakin’ make up their mind abt the temp of the plane once n for all.
1st flight was so freakin’ cold, I could see my soda freeze as I was drinking it n now the 2nd one is throwing so much hot air like I wanna lie naked rn!!!
#travelling
#AmericanAirlines
Glad I spent all this money on Bath & Body Works body wash just to make my wash cloths smell nice
zookeeper: [putting up sign] do not feed the animals
giraffe: [also putting a sign up somehow] the zoo does not speak on our behalf
One day i’ll figure out how many seconds you can be nice to a cat before it tries to kill you…. today was not that day
You know how when you’re in sixth grade and you love someone you express it by being mean and throwing rocks at them? That’s Me. I love you.
Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you
If ghosts are real, then why aren’t any of them pantsing people
The first 8 minutes of any plumber’s visit are spent apologizing for what we tried before we called him.
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
“I’d like to make a toast.”
– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family
Is the speed limit the same if you’re driving in reverse?
Him: Your body is like poetry
Me: That’s so nice!
H: A haiku
M:..
H: Little on the top, big in the middle, little on the bottom
M: Just stop
Losing weight in your 40’s: hahahahahahahahaha
I’m definitely a ten
…tative 4
[me as a tree in allergy season] HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NOSE
My wife told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.
I said, “No, wait! I can change.”
Parenting is about lovingly tucking your kids into bed at night and still waking up with a small foot on your face.
I laughed at my husband when he asked me why the kids were off of school for Valentine’s Day. This is Texas son, they’re off because it follows the day after the Super Bowl.
They should just call the news “guess who was an idiot today.”
“Slow down, it’s not a race,” I tell my kids because I want that last piece of pizza.
Everyone: 2020 is gonna be my year!
Coronavirus: LOL
If you can make dinosaurs out of a mosquito in amber and some frogs you can probably also make dinosaurs that don’t want to escape and murder everyone feels like maybe Jurassic Park should have workshopped this more.
Bread puns are on the rise!
How did my operation go Doc?
Dr ;
What?
Dr ;
Omg I’ve only got half a colon?
If a coworker has two apples in his right hand and two oranges in his left hand, what does he have?
No chance of blocking an uppercut.
Friend: *texting* come out tonight
Me: *three days later* who’s gonna be there