I was at a funeral yesterday and spiced things up by walking over to complete strangers and saying “Ignore what everyone else thinks. I, personally, have no issue with you being here”.
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[Disney Pitch Meeting]
Writer: So kids love puppies
Exec: Haha true
Writer: This movie is about skinning alive 101 of them
Exec: First off, it’s perfect
No your muscles are too big. I don’t want a boyfriend who makes me exercise.
I had a rough childhood. I saw things that no one should ever have to see. For example, The Phantom Menace.
Mr. Darcy: “You have bewitched me, body and soul.”
Wicked Witch of the West: “That’s kinda what I do. Now please dismount the monkey.”
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
I left my accordion in the car and forgot to lock it. By the time I got back, it was too late. There were four accordions in there
Husband Bear: Honey! I’m home!
Wife Bear: For God’s sake, would you at LEAST say hello before demanding dinner?
Confusing prank: Obtain a grizzly bear, name it Love then call 911 and say that Love is tearing you apart
I like that they snuck the word “strum” right in the middle of “instrument”
[Losing my virginity]
Me: *sheepishly* is it ok if I play the Imperial March?
trust my gut? the thing that can’t even handle milk?
Me: I want a snack.
Husband: You could have veggies.
Me: …I have never felt less heard in this marriage than I do now.
Cop: your under arrest
Me: you’re* under arrest
2nd Cop: [handcuffing 1st cop] sorry Ed, but he’s right
My 4 year old asked if she could put makeup on me. I asked jokingly if she was going to “make me pretty,” to which she responded, dead serious, “you’re ALWAYS pretty, Mommy.” So I need to know where to get this child a unicorn do they have those on Amazon?
I was on a date with a girl and she said “did you notice my finger nails?” And I was like “yes” and she was like “well I have no arms”
Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.
[baby sitting]
“Hey, yeah it’s me. No, everything’s fine. Just a quick question about his legs.”
“…”
“So how many legs did he have?”
“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”
chumbawumba: i get knocked down, but i get up again
jesus: ok yes
Melted butter is an essential oil, right?…..right??
eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.
“He’ll regret that shot till he’s screaming on his deathbed.” British golf commentary. It’s the reason I’m a fan.
ME: Then the robber came thru the door holding a gun
COP: Was it a revolver?
ME [thinks] No he just pushed it open & walked thru like normal
Kinda rude that books come in volumes when librarians hate sound
What idiot called him Steve Jobs instead of Mac Daddy
whole milk is 100% milk. 2% milk is 2% milk and 98% also milk. skim milk is 0% milk but somehow also 100% milk. hope this helps
In New England, we only have two seasons:
1) Ice cream will melt if you leave it in the car
2) Ice cream is fine if you leave it in the car
*throws dash of glitter in with the credit card bill* payback, baby
DOCTOR: congratulations it’s a baby-
ME: giraffe?
DOCTOR: what? No. It’s a boy. A human boy.
ME: *looks at wife* you lied to me