I love travelling because I love to check if I have my passport every 3-4 minutes š„°
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Remember in 90’s movies when the hot girl would enter a party in slow motion? That’s what happens when I walk in a buffet.
Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.
My college girlfriend texted me for the first time in 10 years this weekend and I’m 1 million percent sure this is Adele’s fault
The word October loosely translates to āeight bersā
[coming home from cinema]
Don’t let that ninja film go to your head again.
*roundhouse kicks the light switch on*
“I won’t”
Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.
Sometimes I have hope for future generations, but then I watch a high school student pick a booger on a Zoom call.
succession fans be like āthe next episode is gonna be CRAZYā and the episode in question is āsign this piece of paperā ānoā
Thanks McDonaldās for adding two order lanes that require everyone to cooperate and merge so I can be driven to a blinding rage and lose faith in humanity all before I get my fries
11-year-old: *practicing her saxophone at home* How was that?
Me: Great!
11: Want to hear it again?
Me: I can only take so much greatness in one day.
21: Falls off second story balcony, laughs it off
51: āIām no doctor but Iām pretty sure itās not supposed to hurt when you button your pantsā
Thanks for the swallow!
-bird collectors (you perv!!!)
*genie appears*
I wish I was rich!
GRANTED! YOU USED TO BE RICH
ok!āwait what?
FOR YOUR SECOND WISH, CONSIDER HAVING PAID ATTENTION IN CLASS
[robbing a bank]
accomplice: nice pantyhose
me: thanks
accomplice: on your face next time tho ok
So when a cat pounces on a stranger’s lap and demands tickles it’s “cute” but when I do it I’m “causing trouble in Starbucks” again. Jeez!
My kids just pounded on my office door yelling “FBI – open up!!!” when I was on a work call, so yeah, I’m totally looking forward to them going back to school in-person.
if you text me “let’s get 7-11 hot dogs” why are you surprised when I bring you 9 of them
Iām hungry – like I could eat a hot fudge sundae. Ok – Iām driving to the supermarket. Because Iām a motivated doer.
My coworker just proudly announced that he doesn’t believe in Santa Claus because he an athiest. Uh, sure bro, but also how about because you’re 34?
Not a lot of people know this but if you tell someone with chronic pain that they should ājust try meditatingā then they are legally allowed to poke you in the eye
I sent my wife a card that said, “I DON’T LIKE ANY OF THE BABIES YOU’VE MADE.”
{Working as a bouncer}
ID please
*looks*
Okay you can go
*softly kisses their forehead first*
VEGETARIAN FRIEND: Can you believe these āmashed potatoesā are actually cauliflower?!?
ME: Yes. They taste like cauliflower. All of the things you make with cauliflower taste like cauliflower.
Me: *establishes dominance by removing the toilet seat*
Wife: Good move, smart guy. What are you gonna do when you have to….
Me: Shit.
THEM: What’s it called when you think about them all the time?
ME: Love.
T: What if it’s about murdering them all the time?
M: Also love.
Another useless change! I’m leaving this app. I just can’t stick around through another update. See you guys back here in an hour.
jehovah’s witness: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
me (hates gossip): no
Sometimes blank stare is the correct answer.
The next Mission Impossible movie is about Tom Cruise trying to reach a cup in the cabinet above his oven without a step stool.