Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.
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Just threw out my back getting the cool side of the pillow and I’m pretty sure the cat is laughing at me.
Twitter’s new verified account policy says that fictional characters aren’t eligible but all the Muppet accounts still have their blue checkmarks, confirming what I’ve suspected for years.
I’m trying to get a rotisserie chicken home before it gets cold I don’t have time for suspicious lights in the sky
wife: WHO LOADED THE DISHWASHER?
[cut to me sitting at a bus station waiting to start my new life]
I was once a bookseller. A woman came in asking for Tea at the Savoy by Oscar Wilde. I couldn’t find it listed. She insisted.
I kept not finding it. She got angrier.
I asked again, “Are you sure it’s by Wilde?”
Irate, she said, “YES. He was on the Today Show this morning.”
😑
{1st date}
HER:What’s your favorite Disney movie?ME: *Worried this is a ploy to get me to share my pasta* NOT Lady & the Tramp.
“See you later alligator”
“In a whilst crocodile”
-why we fought the British for independence
My grandpa didn’t leave me a gold watch or a large insurance policy, he left me something much more valuable which he wore proudly, his super expandable waist Thanksgiving eating pants.
Іf you can’t afford therapy try garlic bread.
tonight at the bar, ask a woman if you can buy her a drink. If she says yes, hand that lucky lady a Starbucks gift card and walk away
The biggest lie I learned in school was that women reach their sexual peak at 40. All 40yo me wants is to scroll my phone and eat my bowl of mashed potatoes
Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.
me: oh… exhibition game
rest of the basketball team: would you PLEASE put some clothes on
a Land Before Time reboot but it’s displaced polar bears on a journey to antarctica to eat an endless supply of penguins
Went to my niece’s elementary school field day last week.
I won every single event.
Every. Single. Event.
Hey man be careful taking a nap. One of my buddies had a dream where he was getting chased around
my wife’s friend is so pissed i made fun of his lazy eye he’s having a hard time even looking at me
Officer there’s nothing in my trun.. [hundreds of dead tamagotchis fall out. The younger cop vomits]
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and I’m like “Get outta here boys! I didn’t get this chubby by sharing my milkshakes!”
I’m so jealous that guys can poop standing up
I’m going on my first date in years, and I’ve forgotten the proper etiquette. Do I cry after dessert, or when he’s paid the bill?
“They say children learn by example, even for potty training.”
-I explain to my horrified neighbor as my son and dog poop on the lawn
I hate it when people find out what food you hate and then swear you’ve never had it when it’s ripe or prepared properly.
“You’re right! I’ve been eating it off the floor. That’s the problem. Teach me how to live.”
Walking 500 miles:
-somewhat impressive
-no real purpose
-kind of weirdWalking 500 more:
-an impressive total of 1000 miles
-to fall down at your door
-da da da (DA DA DA)
I’m sick of my girlfriend’s husband starting shit
My 13 yro daughter just asked
What if “Let the Bodies Hit the Floor” & “It’s Raining Men” are about the same event, but from different perspectives?
I can’t believe there was a time in my life when someone had to make me take a nap.
I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time
My Fitbit is just a wristband that says “keep walking”.