she turns her curious eyes to the stars and asks them “it’s daytime. how can i see you right now?” the wise and beautiful stars respond “u are high as shit, my friend”
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Then suddenly you’re a mom declaring ownership over swept dirt on the kitchen floor yelling DON’T YOU DARE WALK THROUGH MY DIRT PILE
Ron on Facebook says he hopes to be stuck on a dessert island, so naturally I commented “that sounds delicious”.
Maybe pack emergency supplies and not thirty-five different steam punk outfits next time.
I feel most productive at work when I repeatedly click back and forth on the 18 tabs I have open and just know that the work is still there
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we prefer to call it a background check.
Responsibility for the New York earthquake is already being claimed by tremorrists.
Crude oil is the worst kind of oil because it says offensive things while it pollutes the water and ruins our planet.
On a scale of “glass half full” to “no plunger in your bathroom”, how optimistic are you?
Whoa whoa whoa… I was stalking her first buddy…
“I want frog legs.”
-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever
Wildflowers are just regular flowers that go clubbing until 4 a.m. and snort coke off of each other’s tramp stamps.
5yo: dad how many teeth do I have to lose to buy a tv?
Me: *doing zero math* uh like a thousand
5yo: do I have a thousand teeth?
Me: haha not quite
5yo: *just glares at his little brother*
Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.
The thought of two people colliding mid air while looking at their phones is the main reason I wish that humans could fly.
Any zoo can be a petting zoo if you’re really good at climbing fences.
A fancy juice bar shut down near my house, and I am terrified of what the next level of gentrification might be. A gastropub/crossbow range? A CBD eye drop salon? A private club for dogs who don’t believe in vaccines?
wife: why is the automatic soap dispenser in the kitch- *hazelnut creamer squirts into her hand*
[a real exchange I had with my wife who was working in the garden]
Me, poking my head around the corner of the house: I’m going to the bank, need anything while I’m out?
Wife: what?
Me, louder: I’m going to the bank
Wife: what?
Me: I’M LEAVING YOU
Wife: ok
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.
[interview for waiter position]
Manager: “So how experienced are you at carrying multiple plates?”
Stegosaurus: “You’re kidding me right?”
Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.
Me: *explains idea*
Boss: That’s the dumbest idea ever
Me:*clears throat*
*repeats exact same idea in a British accent*
Boss: Brilliant!
Priest Client: “So, how is my floor mural coming along?”
Michelangelo: [slowly turning the blueprint in his hands 180 degrees] “Shiiiiiit.”
Girl at engineering school: I’m like the single-most clumsy person
[5 male engineering students emerge from bushes]
“Did you say single?”
Never get drunk with someone who has rented a chainsaw or a wood chipper.
brain: bored
me: lots of stuff to do
brain: tired
me: resting is also good
brain: stressed
me: alright man
A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”
Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.
Every time I go to the dentist they’re like, “you need a whole new mouth and that will be $23,000.” I’m like, “thank you for my cleaning. I will see you in six months.”
Classic German Shepherd 😂