I touch myself when I think of you.
It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.
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[parole hearing]
OFFICER: are u reformed?
ME: I—
O: go on
M: I th—
O: tell us
M: I’m—
O: yes
M: can I finish my sentence
O: ok parole denied
My daughter fell hard while we were hiking, so my 3-yr old niece starts punching the ground where she fell and yelling, “I don’t like you hurting my cousin!” She’s gonna be a bodyguard or a felon one day, folks. I’m just not sure which one yet.
Do people who bring bikes on the subway know about riding bikes?
You can almost hear the laughter in the transporter room
I was so tired that I failed a stupid captcha test 3 times in a row yesterday & if that’s not human, I don’t know what is.
I’m down 10 lbs since Christmas and all I did was drink more water and stop eating gingerbread houses.
Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife
how did ur grandpa get dementia and forget EVERYTHING except the racism
*walks away from an explosion in slow motion
*walks right into another explosion in slow motion
I completely forgot that the social media manager for Kitchen Nightmares has completely lost it.
[lying with girlfriend & looking up at the stars]
“Hey–”
*points to shooting star*
“You’ve put on a lot of weight.”
My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.
Drank.
Drunk.
I like long, romantic walks away from women that try catching the bouquet at weddings
Wife: “these are the nice ornaments. Put them in the front of the tree”
Me: “all decorations are beautiful in their own way”
Wife (cont.) “and these are the shit ones you bury deep in the branches”
No I will not change my password.
If someone wants this life, they can have it.
All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.
“I don’t care about ‘marketing’. It’s the family name so that’s what we’re calling it.”
Ruin your teenagers day by looking in their general direction.
cool hat i found in the hospital bathroom for a cowboy like myself
This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.
Who tf called it WebMD and not Google Docs
*Rolls window down*
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: is it because I’m literally running down the street pretending to be a car?
me: i’d sell my soul for clear skin.
dermatologist: drink more water.
me: [glaring] i SAID i’d sell my SOUL for clear skin
My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.
Waitress: Here’s the check. You wanna box for that?
Customer: The rest of this sandwich? You want to fight over it here in the diner?
What a spectacular disaster may I get your recipe?
I would love my job so much more if I didn’t have to hide my flask.
MR. PEANUT: so you expect me to help sell members of my own kind to be eaten by humans?
BOSS: yeah. you get to wear a top hat and a monocle tho
MR. PEANUT: throw in some gloves and a cane and you’ve got yourself a deal
Whenever an overnight guest is using a spare toothbrush at my house I always walk in and ask them if they’ve seen my butthole scrubber.