cat owners seriously come into work covered in scratches like “he’s just playful” no ma’am you’re in love with a wildebeest
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ME: [getting pistol whipped] hey everyone, look at this idiot who thinks his gun is a whip
I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.
Some things in life are inevitable. Birth. Death. My husband storing everything he owns in a massive pile next to his side of the bed.
Sooo many times…..
“I heard the Delta and Omicron variants have reportedly fused together producing Deltacron!”
“Ugh, even COVID variants are having sex and I am not.”
*gets bitten
*becomes shy shy
If you tase an electrician, he only becomes more powerful.
A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong
While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.
[LA Earthquake]
Me: Wow, do you feel tha-
Husband: *pushes me out of the way and runs down the street screaming* Every man for himself!
My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail
My husband was yelling my name and I was yelling back “I’m in the basement” and my daughter started yelling “Can everyone stop yelling?” and my son then yelled “Why is everyone yelling?” and this is how we bond as a family.
Great books in 140. The Great Gatsby. In 1922 a mysterious millionaire is obsessed with a now married former girlfriend and has to be shot.
[Freddy Krueger comes to kill me in my nightmare]
Me: OMG I can’t believe I’m actually sleeping.
[Confessional Booth]
Me: My favorite sins are sins of the flesh.
Priest: FAVORITE SINS?!
Me: Why are you yelling? And gluttony, gluttony is a close 2nd.
My signature move is to tell men that I can’t hear them because I have my headphones in when I quite visibly don’t have headphones in.
My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.
Our roofer is concerned (long story) that “our little ones might eat mulch.” I’m more concerned he’s seeing little ones I don’t know about.
My husband texted me from work to ask if our son’s cough was wet or dry and I was like whoa whoa whoa, there’s only room for one fake doctor in this family
Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you toilet paper.
Which is basically the same thing.
ohhhhh my GOD I just told the dog “hey we’ll go for a walk once the baby’s awake, okay?”
and she looked at me, ran upstairs, stuck her head in the nursery, and HOWLED
“seasonal depression” makes it sound like i brought it home from the farmers’ market
The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.
“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step” but so does the one from the living room to the kitchen for snacks and it’s a lot less tiring.
Chores give kids a sense of responsibility while teaching relevant life skills such as procrastination.
*eats way too much delicious space pudding*
Me: Oof I am STUFFED! What’d you call this again?
Alien Chef: OH MY GOD YOU ATE MY GRANDMOTHER!
6 said he isn’t sleeping in his room cause the tooth fairy sounds creepy but he left the tooth cuz he needs the money.
-No DNA test needed
Whenever І wake up and see that someone has wrіtten a bunch of funny tweets before noon, І assume they are a mornіng drіnker.
Bond sequel idea: His license to kill is downgraded to a license to hit people with his car but not so badly that they die
So glad I was weird af in high school cuz now ain’t no one hittin me up to join their pyramid scheme 😌😌