One million people have DM’d me asking me to stop lying about the number of people who DM me.
You Might Also Like
Catercrombie & Fish
The year is 2246. Disease and hunger have been eradicated. The terraforming of Mars is complete. The symbol for Save is still a floppy disk.
Black Friday deals but at the pharmacy
“Only a good guy with a forest fire can prevent forest fires” – Smokey the NRA Bear
“Notice the way he uses colors.”
“How??”
so it’s mythic and sexy when sirens lead men to their deaths at sea with song, but when I do it, it’s all “how did you even do that” and “what the hell”
I used to quickly lick the tip of my pencil when writing my poignant thoughts but now I have to eat three or four pencils just to make a grocery list
Whoever thinks money doesn’t buy happiness can deposit it in my bank account.
Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.
If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.
When you kidnap a writer.
This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.
video games are rated M for mature if they contain scenes of someone buying reading glasses or complaining about not getting enough fiber
Refrigerators are actually sentient beings, but we keep putting magnets on them, and erasing their memories.
The year is 2054. My son sits down for his documentary.
Reporter: So what would you say led to your impressive and horrifying killing spree?
Him: Well I think it all began when I was six and my mom threw out my collection of kazoos I’d made from toilet paper rolls
8yo: daddy what’s your best talent?
me: hmm I don’t know, maybe being a dad?
8yo: no that’s not it
5: if you take a shortcut in a food maze, it’s not cheating it’s eating
I could host an elegant dinner party, but I don’t know enough people with simmering tension over long-held secrets to make it worthwhile.
*puts on Rocky theme music*
*cracks neck*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches*
*jogs in place*
*picks up phone to call mom*
Good morning.
Church is the worst book club ever. We’ve been talking about the same book for 2,000 years and most of us still haven’t even read it
The song said “Everybody Wang Chung” and apparently, I’m the only one who can follow directions in the produce section of this grocery store
“most famous reindeer of all” isn’t all that impressive tbh. compared to whom, exactly
ME *waits for phone to stop ringing and then checks number to see who it was*
Guy training me to be an emergency responder: yeah that was wrong
You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.
I’m like a potato because I’m:
-not special, but I’m usually likeable
-full of carbs
-not always good for you
-really white under this outer layer
-round
-smashable
-more interesting when I’m salty
-tasty if slathered in butter
*jingles half the way*
I don’t always drink tequila but when I do, where the hell are my clothes?
I made a new rule at dinner tonight.
Every time my kids complained about my cooking, I gave them an extra helping.
It was the quietest meal we’ve had in months.
FRIEND: Where were you?
ME: I got sick and had to rush to the doctor
FRIEND: Flu?
ME: Nah, just drove really fast