8yo: Is it okay if Dylan comes over?
Me: Is he the one with the PS4?
8: Yes.
Me: And motorized scooter?
8: Yes.
Me: And trampoline?
8: Can you drive me to his house?
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a murder on the dance floor would explain the panic! at the disco
I’m never more unattractive than when a bee flies in my face
If your wife tells you “We’d be terrible partners on The Amazing Race” it’s a term of affection, right?
Hey weekend,
I love you more than you know!
I know I don’t deserve you, but trust me if you stay, I will spend all my procrastination on you to keep lying in my bed.
Love,
Your unconditional lover
“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.
am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes
*Getting a tattoo*
Me(to tattoo artist)-Do you ever make the bzzz-sounds with your mouth when you’re using a regular pen on your spare time?
I like “found family” over “chosen family” because it makes it sound like I discovered them under a rock. like bugs. or worms
Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.
I JUST WON MY EASTER EGG HUNT!!! Those 8 year olds didn’t stand a chance to my pushing and sprinting. It was kinda like taking candy from a baby!
Scientists: You’re all going to die. The Earth is doomed. Life is pointless.
Also: We spent millions on a woolly mammoth meatball no one can eat.
I don’t think ‘safe sex’ sounds like a very good idea. I mean, what if you get locked in and forget the combination
*sees cute doctor in scrubs*
*falls over* HELP! I need mouth-to-mouth!Doc: …
Me: Aren’t you obligated to help?Husband: GET UP!
A fly swatter, but for close talkers.
Me: So, let me get this straight. It’s cute for the toddler to wear her flannel jammies to the grocery store but it’s embarrassing if I do it?
Husband: I have nothing to say. I knew what I was getting into when I married you.
have a nail gun and some boards laying around? show him you love him by adding some attractive wood paneling to his car
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: watching Doc McStuffins.
Wife: but the kids are in bed.
Me: so?
Wife: aren’t you a little old to watch cartoons?
Me: aren’t you a little old to shop at Forever 21?
Wife:
Me:
Wife: so what’s this episode about?
His tongue explored the hole, probing deeper and deeper until she just couldn’t take it any more.
‘Would you just eat your donut already?!?’
Nature: How many legs do you guys want to have?
Ant: 6 is cool.
Spider: 8 is fine
Snake: Don’t need any.
Millepede: Like 1,000.
Me: my biggest strength is listening attentively
Interviewer: ok but I asked what you knew about the company
More often than not, I read applause as applesauce.
A good friend is like a four leaf clover: sometimes you accidentally run them over with a lawnmower
Jamaica has declared war on drugs.
Actually, they pretty much do everything on drugs.
“If you are fat you will die,” said the thin ppl, who would never die.
Just a reminder that Jingle Bells makes it sound like some grand adventure but a one-horse open sleigh is literally the cheapest sleigh you can get.
I’m already getting anxious over Christmas due to my Santa Claustrophobia-the fear of being smothered in an elevator by a crowd of Santas.
GENIE: you have three wishes.
ME: sweet, I wish for pie.
GENIE: okay, whatever, you have 3.14 wishes.
[me, in front of the firing squad] are you mad at me
When I die, I am going to haunt a hot dog and make it jump out of the bun like a dolphin.