[At the gym before someone teaches me the word spotting]: “hey bro will you take care of me and protect me?”
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My idea of a 5 course meal is pizza with 4 toppings
Bartender: What can I get you, gorgeous?
Me: The blood of all my enemies.
Bartender:
Me:
Bartender:
Me: Miller Light
I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.
If you’re having second thoughts, you’re 2 ahead of most people.
As a child I had the impression that I would be offered free drugs by strangers much more frequently than the 0 times it’s happened.
I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits
You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.
9: Whatcha watching?
Me: Tiny Houses.
9: Wow it’s tiny! Who’s gonna live there?
Me: Two people.
9: Are they married?
Me: Not for long.
I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.
Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.
ME: What do you want for our anniversary?
WIFE: Oh I saw this cute little alligator brooch
ME: Ok
WIFE: You’re not going to write it down
ME: Nah, I’ll remember
[later]
WIFE {opening package}: Crocs?
ME: Close your eyes, I got you a birthday present.
SPOUSE: *closes eyes* Oh?
ME: Remember how you told me you love Daft Punk?
SPOUSE: No. I said I’d love for you to stop listening to Daft Punk in the car.
ME: *nervously* Oh
*Daft Punk slowly rises from behind the couch*
There you go again, overusing big words like some kind of tweeting sesquipedalian.
Idiot.
her: did you know Weezer covered Africa
me: [impressed] with what
I’m sorry, we can’t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.
12 people have been to the moon and only 8 people have won Takeshis castle. Really makes you think.
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
dropping acid is irresponsible like damn bro don’t be so clumsy
Him: What the hell is a palindrome?
Me: No, it’s not
Then there were 3 sets of footprints & God said “This is Deb. She answered my Craigslist ad & U r the one who said we should try new things”
[BAR]
Me: What do you recommend?
Barkeep: Moscow Mule, Mojito, Old Fashi-
M: [Puts finger to his lips] which tastes the most like Capri-sun?
texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points
“Sorry if I lose you. My phone’s about to die.”
“We’re speaking face to face.”
“Damn it.”
🎉Made my last car payment 🎉
I still owe a lot but I’m just not paying anymore
[fancy restaurant]
me: one steak and a bowl of ketchup please
waiter: usually you don’t need anything with it, sir
me: you’re right [closing menu] just the ketchup then
Omg, do you mind? I’m busy. This dinner isn’t going to peel back plastic, stir and add 3 minutes to itself.
me: hi i’d like to exchange my current brain for a new one
customer service: ma’am you’re calling amazon
me: listen alexa i am a PRIME member
Today my 2nd grader said “I won’t ride on the bus with my big brother again until I’m in 9th grade and he’s in 12th!” And I started blubbering immediately because, academically speaking, neither of these kids will make it to high school.
*Buys Samsung smart fridge. Opens app every 15 minutes to see if there’s anything good in there*
Tried to be sly and shove the whole cookie in my mouth without him seeing me.
Then he turned around and asked me a question.