Be careful giving your kids access to the internet. I let my 3-year-old play on my phone for 30 minutes and now she won’t stop talking about a podcast she listened to.
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“I love you but I don’t trust you,” I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table.
BOSS: I’m firing you.
ME: Thank heavens!
BOSS: Why else would I call you here?
ME: Thought I was losing my job *puts on helmet*
BOSS: Lol. No. *helps me into cannon* Who else would do this?
I’d say at least 10% of parenting is smelling stuff.
i put “wake up” and “try to breathe” on my to-do list and long story short it’s 9:30am and guess who’s already had a productive day
Not to brag but drunk me just decided to start taking pictures for sober me in the morning…
A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”
I took a girlfriend to a fancy bakery for Valentine’s and she picked out a bunch of things that she then gave to her dad because she said sugary baked goods gave her yeast infections, so really I treated her dad to a really nice Valentine’s Day
Remember if a company says “we’re like a family here” they don’t mean like a nice TV family they mean like a normal family where everyone has undiagnosed mental health issues and no one likes each other.
Just tossed my hair seductively and a chicken nugget fell out.
I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
FBI PROFILER, LOOKING AT PHOTOS OF MY HOUSE: White male, mid-30s, doesn’t have a lot of friends or close associations, probably read a lot about serial killers as a kid, eats a lot of bullshit food, no real skills
ME: I’m right here
FBI PROFILER: Talks like an idiot
Underwear and socks come in resealable bags but cereal and potato chips don’t.
“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event
[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS
interviewer: would u say ur driven
[cut to my mom waiting in the parking lot to drive me home]
me: oh yes
Nobody is as conflicted as a Jewish zombie about to eat Kevin Bacon.
[February 12]
Henry VIII: jeez walmart is out of cards, flowers and chocolate. She’s going to kill me! Unless…
[February 13]
beheads wife
[rejected dialogue from star trek II: the wrath of khan]
khan: revenge is a dish with a dried glob of food on it that won’t come off no matter how hard you scrub
Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met
Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR
If my wife thinks I won’t pick a fight in public because the waitress is uncomfortable, well she’s just wrong about that.
Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist
Everyone has something they believe in.
I believe in drinking before noon.
Not to brag, but Panera said I’m worth a treat so it’s good to know I’d go for at least $2 on the Panera black market.
A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say “I don’t get it?”
Me: What do you want for your birthday?
12yo: I don’t know
Me, jokingly: Drugs?
12yo: Nah, too expensive
Me:
me: it’s our third date, you know what this means
him: *confidently* I think I do
me: *saves his number in my contacts*
One thing I have noticed about getting older is having to stop for a short nap halfway through scrolling down to my year of birth when completing online forms.
my biggest wish is that someday a bunch of people will say wow money really changed her
Plot idea: 97% of the world’s scientists contrive an environmental crisis, but are exposed by a plucky band of billionaires & oil companies.