Relax TV weatherman with your sciencey explanation of today’s fog. It’s a cloud on the ground, just say it. Help me not hate you.
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THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he replaces words with animal names just to annoy me
ME: I don’t do it on porpoise
A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.
[Ferrari dealership]
ME: How much for this red one?
SALESMAN: Oh, that’ll cost you a pretty penny
ME: *holding out penny wearing a small wig and lipstick*
SALESMAN: VA-VA-VA-VOOM!
Me: Girl you must be tired cos you have been running through my mind ALL day!
Her: really?
Me: nah, you do look tired though.
I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.
My neighbor upstairs bought a new treadmill and I accidentally just shot five holes in my ceiling.
Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.
We paid off the car and suddenly the bank doesn’t call or write anymore. It’s like the last 4 years meant nothing.
It’s simple …..when life throws you assholes..rip them a new one.
Wife: *looking through my yearbook* you have the exact same haircut
Me: well I use a bigger bowl now
*hands you baby*
Here’s your Christmas present I got it at the mall but it didn’t come with a gift receipt & people may be looking for it.
Last night, during dinner, my 7 year old son said….
I need a pen and paper to write down the recipe for this so that when I have children I can make it for them because it’s really nice.
So apparently, he has his whole life planned out, including meals.
Colorado is burning down and the next time I see one of you fuckers flick a cig out the window I’m going to ram you with my car.
I was losing too many socks doing laundry so I started zip tying them together, now I’m losing them in pairs.
Apostrophes are important.
“I fed the dog”
“I f’ed the dog”
Learn this simple rule. Your friendship with Sarah McLachlan depends on it.
*leans over sink*
*splashes face w cold water*
*stares at self in mirror**returns to couch where my niece is playing mario kart*
best of 3
I’m at my most cat-like when I’m starting a roll of toilet paper.
LOIS LANE: here i got you these contacts so you don’t have to wear glasses anymore
CLARK KENT: *nervous sweating*
Sorry I threw your baby but there was a spider on her.
Trojan: Pricier than some other brands, yet still cheaper than Enfamil, Gerber, Pampers, Graco, Fisher-Price, Playskool, Lego, Melissa & Do-
If Miley doesn’t get her shit together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college
I’m in a really bad place right now*
*in my neighbor’s driveway “stealing” my doordash that was delivered to the wrong house
Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.
Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.
Guess who has a new ringtone.
the beatles really said “i am the walrus, i am the eggman” and the world was like “ok”
[Scientist describing evolution of the zebra]
“We believe they were crime horses that stayed in jail for like a really, really long time.”
Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today
[Batman & Joker at a table in Arkham Asylum]
Joker: Wanna know I got these Scars? *He gestures at his Lion King action figures*
Batman: Ugh
Thank god it‘s friday. Only 40 more years of working.
Just accidentally spilled my cat’s food all over the floor and his reaction was…. a lot 😂