“HELP! Frankenstein’s attacking me!”
911: Frankenstein? Or Frankenstein’s *monster*?
“AAAH he ripped my arm off”
911: Which one did, sir
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[watching TV on couch]
Me: Think you’ve got enough blankets on you? I can’t even see you, ha ha.
Her: …
Me: I said, do you think you have enough blankets on you?
Her: …
Me: I’m just talking to a pile of blankets, aren’t I?
Pile of blankets: …
I’m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn’t incorporated into more American Holidays.
Girls be like: I love a man in uniform.
Me: First of all that’s an inmate.
*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*
Me: want a piece?
Her: wrong, whole.
so apparently there is no such thing as a valentine santa and i’m not sure whose lap i just sat on at the mall.
Mom asked about a stock she’s owned for 20yrs called Amazon & I’ve mostly been telling her I love her & reminding her my brother never calls
BOSS: We need to look in the mirror and see where we can improve.
ME: *to Gary, who I suspect is a vampire* Go ahead, Gary. You first.
[first date]
ME: I’m from a broken home.
HIM: When did your parents divorce?
ME: No, they were hoarders, and the second floor collapsed.
Punctuation Matters. Period.
This is up on a telephone pole in south Minneapolis and I am dissolved in laughter:
*teenage girl breaks pencil*
“I CAN’T EVEN WRITE NOW!”
arnold schwarzenegger opening a flower shop saying things like “come with me if you want tulips” and “it’s not a petunia” and “your clovers. give them to me”
Girl: do you have a condom?
Me: c’mon what’s the worst that could happen
*hears a knock on the door
4: daddy I think I started a fire
Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she’s safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.
People often say “I’m too young for this shit” or “I’m too old for this shit” but never “this shit right here is age-appropriate”
My boss accused me of being overly dramatic, I lamented in a soliloquy as I threw myself across the desk in feigned shock
I feel seen
[Robot Uprising]
Human: Oh no a robot! What kind are you?
Robot: I am a counting machine
Human: Oh thank g—
Robot: Now killing human #53822
If you are hospitalized for social anxiety you don’t go to the psych ward. You go to the awk ward.
Fun fact: Snakes don’t exist. They were made up by scientists in 1923 as a joke that went too far so they just kinda rolled with it
How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people
Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off
Letting my 4-year-old niece cook me breakfast in her Easy Bake Oven and acting like I’m not about to absolutely destroy her on Yelp.
Movie Idea:
Lohan.
Bynes.
Statham.
DEATH RACE 2
“Are you a cop? You have to tell me if you’re a cop.”
“I’m a cop.”
“So you’re a cop AND a gun dealer? Random, but okay let’s do this shit”
Welcome to your 40s: see that kid over there dressed up like a cop, he’s actually 27, and he is a cop.
If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.
Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.
I bought and named a star after you.
If you look to the west on a clear night you will see Sociopath.
Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.