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me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
“Hell yeah Trump got impeached looks like he’s finally out of office!”
*Deletes tweet*
*2 minutes later*
“Wow none of you know what impeachment means the senate still has to vote before he’s removed from office go take a college course”
Jokes on them. I took 10.
Playing video games with your partner is a fun and easy way to start a huge fight for no reason
Roommate: If you continue stealing my kitchen utensils I will move out!
Me: That’s a whisk I’m willing to take 🙂
INTERVIEWER: So…that’s it. Any questions for me?
ME: Do boxer dogs actually punch?
I: um no that’s not
ME: I bet they use a puppercut
Yes, I have been awake since 5am. Just not a “productive member of society” level of awake. For that you need to wait until about 11:30am when I will wash up 5 mugs & send an email. Then I’ll get hungry & we’re back to square one.
I hate it when restraining orders get in the way of meaningful relationships.
Well played future wife. You win this round
people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.
I is smart
I is kind
I is important
I is in the wrong office– I thought to myself after having wine for lunch
uncle dave has been through hell
Level of singleness: yelling, “pizza’s here!” So the delivery man doesn’t think all the pizza is just for me…
I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they’ll know how much I exaggerate my problems.
I’ll take the cash and buy my own pizza, thanks
I had a really fun date last night but when I went back to his place he had like an unsettling number of beanbag chairs? Approximately 7? Just isn’t sitting right.
60% of Americans? That’s almost half. 🙂
[Obama giving Trump the White House tour]
O: and here’s the toaster, it tends to stick so don’t be afraid to jam a fork in to get it workin
doctor: do you have a name picked out?
me: yah it’s St-
wife: we are not naming our daughter starscream
Him: You seem super chill.
Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.
Q: What’s the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike?
A: The place they are aiming at.
“I’m giving you a bath, with or without you!”
(and other ridiculous things I say as a parent).
My insurance agent just told me that I’m “high risk” to insure on account of me getting stuck in dryers on a regular basis
Everyone needs to leave Twitter right now.
A pipe burst.
I carry one of those tiny Swiss Army knives with me at all times. You never know when you’ll need a tiny blade to thwart an attacker.
95% of your time as a parent is spent trying to figure out who broke it, who stole it and who ate it
Me: Now watch this amazing parallel parking job…
Wife: *Eyes roll
Me: You can’t see it with your eyes up there
Me: (after eating 12 fudgesicles)
Ok. Time to get to work.You: You can actually buy popsicle sticks at any craft store.
Me: Don’t question my art.
Me *naked, singing into a shower head*
Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic
Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list
The more you know
Sometimes I’ll order things online & pay for handling but not shipping. I don’t want the product; I just want them to move it around a bit.