On the phone with my therapist and she is clearly going through the McDonalds drive through 😓
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[phone]
Me: Oh wow I love your voice
Her: Thanks!
Me: And your accent is so cool, are you from the south?
Her: Good guess!
Me: Oh yeah I love it down there, the weather, the food!
Her: Me too! It’s the best!
Me: It really is
Her: Anyway what’s your emergency
Me: I’ve been stabbed
I can’t stop laughing at this
Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.
BOSS: due to the virus we need everybody to work from home
ME: please, i have a family
Start your day with the confidence of a 5yo who thinks he knows how to tie his shoes.
It’s hard for me to believe that the new Star Wars trailer has already been seen millions of times. How do they even know where it’s parked?
The only equipped I am is ill.
The newest Teenage Mutant Ninja Jurtle: Thiccelangelo.
We look weird together like two p’s in a ppod
“would u like some dessert?” i ask the moose head above the fireplace
“no thanks im stuffed” i reply, in a slightly deeper voice
Him: This fish is too fishy.
Me: How’s your water? Too wet?
The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.
INTERVIEWER: What are your strengths?
APPLICANT: I’m a detail-oriented team player
[nothing wacky happens because this is a job interview]
Based Erika
My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.
Neighbor was watering her plants as if they owed her money like how would YOU like to be waterboarded lady
If you watch the movie Twister backwards it’s the story of friendly tornados saving lives, rebuilding destroyed towns and playing with cows.
*getting attacked by a bear in France*
ME: Gnaw me like one of your French girls.
My doctor just asked me if I wanted a shot and I think I answered correctly because we are in a bar and this whiskey tastes really good
An app that makes your phone ring whenever someone asks “so what’s next for you”
nothing worse than an american ‘alcoholic’ who enters rehab because they drink in a month what a normal british person would on a two hour train journey.
[FBI job interview]
“Do you have any self defense training?”*flashback to hiding behind fence from teenagers* Yes I’m skilled at fencing.
My type is 12 pt Helvetica.
Me: How was my snoring last night?
Wife [with earplugs in]: WHAT
*Food arrives*
*Waits 3 days*
*Slowly takes bite of food*
*Waitress appears from under the table in camouflage*
HOW IS EVERYTHING??
[getting murdered]
I hope this makes it on true crime TV.
HBO decided to rename themselves “Max” instead of so many other solid guy names like “Kevin” or “Brian”.
Maybe it’s love, or maybe she just can’t unclasp that damn bracelet on her wrist without help
The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”
[the funeral of the writer of the hokey-pokey]
funeral director: why is it taking so long to get him in the coffin?
employee: well every time i put his left leg in…