when your neighbor cuts his grass and suddenly your place looks like a good place to score meth
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“Don’t put your brother in the fridge” is something I never thought I’d say, yet here I am.
For some people, the turkey’s the most important part of the holidays. For others? It’s the pumpkin pie. But me? I’ve always cared more about the people that I spend the holidays with- which is why I’ve gathered you all here today to help me summon grandpa from the great beyond.
In what room do you guys hang the portrait of yourself as a centaur? I was thinking kitchen. The bedroom is kinda cliche
Office Tip: If you have an even slightly more advanced understanding of Excel, do not, I repeat, do not share this secret with your coworkers.
I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died
If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old
Expectant Parent: What’s it like being a parent?
Me: Have you ever wrestled an alligator covered in vaseline?
Expectant Parent:
Me: Don’t worry, you’ll learn.
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
Actually, I want to be a robot for Halloween
-my 3 yo, just before noon, October 31
[first time in a bed]
me: this blanket is really heavy
salesman: you’re supposed to lay on top of the mattress
“I’ll drink to that.”
-me to my next drink
Hey Billy Joel it’s called a pianist.
Me: Some people go through life looking for signs and others constantly miss them.
Cop: Again, license and registration please
when my dog had kidney failure the vet said he had weeks to live, so we fed him kfc, food from the table, everything he wanted, damn dog lived for another 3 years before getting ran over by a van
I establish dominance on the first date by yawning.
According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate.
mayor, handing me tissues: you do understand what a “town crier” is, yes?
I could get hit and killed by a truck right in front of him and my dentist would still find a way to blame it on the fact that I don’t floss
The year is 2157, our world is much like the one in that futuristic movie starring Tom Cruise.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the
Me, first day as a prosecutor: *whispering* ᵍᵘⁱˡᵗʸ ᵖᵉᵒᵖˡᵉ ˢᵃʸ ʷʰᵃᵗ
Defendant: What?
Me: I rest my case, your Honor.
i’m not in a weird mood this is who i am.
[having helped prep some pistachios while my wife spends two hours putting together the rest of the meal] How about those nuts, huh? You can really taste the deshelling
Yup!
Don’t be afraid to love yourself…
…but do it quietly and make sure you get it all in the tissues.
boss: ok which one of you clowns tried to fax a pie?
me: *tearing off my rainbow wig and quickly hiding it in my comically oversized pants* i think it was steve
THE WORLD WOULD BE SOOOOO MUCH HAPPIER IF EVERYBODY WAS A DUCK
friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally
Just found out my 6yo has mono and the doctor who diagnosed her asked if anyone in the house has similar symptoms, including excessive fatigue. Um, Sir, based on that alone, I’ve had mono since 2009.
One cake enters. No cake leaves.