If I could go back in time and choose you again, I wouldn’t.
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You young couples with your dogs, your trial children, you’ll learn nothing about parenting because you can never teach a toddler to “sit”.
Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in
No matter who wins this election, there’s still only a 50% chance that the ice cream machine at McDonalds will be working.
I was watching my son at soccer practice and couldn’t believe how good he’s gotten. I was trying to figure out how he improved so much in just a couple of days, and then I realized I was watching someone else’s kid.
5 shots + 18 beers = 6 apologies
Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who didn’t really want you to take a bite of the cookie he offered you
his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty
guy: [stands up at front of plane]
me: “please don’t be overbooked”
guy: [pulls gun] “this plane is now under my control”
me: “oh thank god”
I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.
And I’ve started drinking for evil.
The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.
On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.
Captain Planet (1991) – a gang of illegal immigrant Eco-terrorists summon a demon to terrorise job creators
“But you can’t—“
“Shhh. Hush, my love. It pains me as much as it does you. We burned so hot and so bright, but in the end, we knew this day would come. Look at you and look at me. Our religions forbid this.”
Me: i feel like we don’t communicate as well lately
Marriage Counselor: where’s your wife?
Me: shit I forgot to tell her about this
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I open a bottle of some condiment when there’s already one open.
I feel guilty about being Asian because I didn’t start playing the violin since I was born.
My first son he is wonderful
anyone have any tips for making eggs that won’t leave my toaster a huge mess?
me: [struggling to think of things to talk about] “so what do you do for a living?”
barber: [slowly stops cutting my hair]
ME: *taking a massive hit of universal healthcare*
DAD: *pounding on the door* what are you kids doing in there?
ME:
DAD: Are you doing socialism in there? Open this door right now
[The Lost World: Jurassic Park]
Ian Malcolm: Where you’re going is the only place on Earth where the geese chase you
Me: This guy doesn’t know shit about geese.
{commercial for Hallmark}
This Valentine’s Day, get her that piece of paper she always wanted with words on it.
we got a new neighbour and I thought it was taking him weeks to move in but turns out he works for u-haul
fun prank: go observe the newborns at the hospital & if someone asks which is yours say “I haven’t decided yet” while sobbing uncontrollably
Apparently “You should Google it” isn’t the best response when she asks how much do you love me?
Sigh, women are so demanding..
The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day
*Removes ‘Loves to bake’ from online dating profile
Aquarius: Your career is moving forward this week. Not with you, of course. Wave to it as it drives away in a new Lamborghini.
In some societies it’s considered rude to put post-it notes on people’s heads in the doctor’s surgery with your guess what’s wrong with them