Me: yeah, I’m not going to make it in today.
Boss:of course, this snow is crazy.
Me: Snow?
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Me: *skips*
My body: HEY REMEMBER WE CAN’T DO THAT ANYMORE
Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.
*the force awakens*
*the dark knight rises*
*they make eye with eachother adn realize they were sleepig in the same bed*
AHHHHHHHHHHHH
The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven’t worked out all the bugs yet.
Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.
My ex was a true professional.she said “you are fired” when we broke up.
A lady in a BMW pulled up to me on my bike to ask if it was hot out, and now my goal is to be so rich I can’t feel weather.
Went to a movie theater for the first time in two years over the weekend. It’s still the best nap that $24.99 can buy.
I ate vegetables and now I’m hungrier than before. Donuts don’t betray me like this.
Him: When I break something, I fix it… you should try this sometime.
Me: Uhhh I take the kids to therapy thank you very much.
“I’m soooo tired!”
[lays down in bed]
“I’m soooo comfortable!”
Bladder: Sup bro
A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.
Instead of asking my kid if she’s brushed her hair, I ask if she’s cured cancer. I figure if I’m gonna be disappointed by the answer it might as well be about something really big
[INT. STARBUCKS – DAY]
Me: Theres a large rat in the bathroom
Barista: ?
Me: A large rat
Barista: ?
Me: THERES A VENTI RAT IN THE BATHROOM
My name in Grease would be ChoRizzo.
ME: I’m allergic to suggestions.
FRIEND: You should get that checked out.
ME: *swelling up like a balloon* You’re not the boss of me.
[job interview]
Me: Time travel
Boss: What is your biggest stren—WHAT?!
me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*
ME: *does something stupid*
I hope no one saw me do thatALSO ME: *texting all my friends* Listen to what I just did
Whenever I feel sorry for myself, I take my children to the grocery store. And then there’s like 40 people feeling sorry for me.
flight attendant looks at me then looks at the no smoking sign then looks back at me then looks at the brisket i have in my smoker
inmate: hey man why so sad
me: my mom brought me a cake but the warden made me share it with everyone
inmate: didn’t you get a piece though?
me: not the one with the file in it
Parenting tip: Unplug the microwave before dropping acid because you’ll inevitably put the baby in there for safe keeping.
I think we can all agree if the ancient Egyptians had twitter there would be no pyramids.
*sees cars lined up outside church*
wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding?
me: What’s the difference?
That awkward moment when you die, and all you were trying to do was take a selfie with a lion on a jungle safari..
Unsolicited sandwich pics.
Lord give me coffee to change the things I can…and vodka to accept the things I cannot.
Amen!
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.