Already cringing thinking of the number of holiday cards that will be sent this year of families wearing coordinated facial masks.
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Imagine if there were no cops and you had 8 hands for slapping
11 hours into my 13 hour fast and the smell of bacon fills every inch of the house
I’m going for a walk …. a very long walk!
Batman: so I’ve been tracking the Joker’s movements all night and we need to-
Robin: you LIKE him!
Batman: omg shut up lol I do not
“When life gives you people, mass murder them.” — An Angry Lemon.
Size doesn’t matter? Have you SEEN my coffee mugs?
“Treat her like a princess” everybody said.
Then they get mad when I marry her off to a cousin from a neighboring country for political gain.
Dear websites I don’t give a shit what you do with my cookies right now
guy: you wanna take this outside?
me: yeah, let’s do this
[we take the raspberry lemonade out back and have a simply lovely afternoon]
coworker: how was your weekend?
me: sucked, I had to move
coworker: you sold your house?
me: no, my wife made me get off the couch
made the mistake of believing my kid when he said he didn’t want me to buy him cheesy bread
Here’s my thread about the spiders I’ve taken outside
– tonight was Bruce. He was medium sized and fast, but cooperated well 4/5 stars
Three golf clubs walk into a bar.
The putter ordered a beer, the pitching wedge ordered a gin & tonic.The barman asked the third one if he wanted anything,
He replied “No thanks, I’m the driver”.
#Wednesdaymorning
me: ahh vacation
brain: time to relax
me: no work
brain: well it’s still there
me: stop
brain: just… waiting
me: please
brain: g r o w i n g
me: no
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Please, call me Yuri, let’s get right to it, have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Yes, I stole a penny from my mom’s swear jar, it was the Crime of the Cent, Yuri.
Schools: Children need consistency and routine
Also schools: Daily class times will be the lucky numbers from your fortune cookie
Them: omg, I haven’t seen you in so long
Me: yeah that was on purpose
my allergies were acting up so i took allergy medicine. now i’m sleepy and my allergies are acting up.
If a girl has magnetic personality and still She can’t attract the desired boy.
Then that means the boy has iron deficiency.
Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!
You never get a second chance to make a first impression…
…and so I bite.
in my opinion yamaha is probably the best grand piano/motorcycle company out there
absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit
2020 became the year I purchased a printer and remembered that printers are the hardest problem in computer science.
My daughter lost her first tooth today and has not stopped crying since. Why she didn’t punch me back I have no idea
*washing car*
Neighbor: “You washing your car?”
Me: “No. I’m watering it to see if it grows into a bus.”
Hi, I’m Tony. Voted “Most Likely To Become A Time Traveler” by the class of 2042.
Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.
They only arrested Justin Bieber cause he’s black.
“I wasn’t that drunk…”
“Dude, you were driving your truck around the Walmart parking lot trying to find your truck.”
Welcome to your 40’s. Quality pens turn you on now.