My 3yo, who has to have everything read aloud to him, opened a fortune cookie tonight that said, “The path to success lies in taking a bath without fussing or throwing water out of the tub and getting out nicely with no crying.” what are the ODDS
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[blind date]
HER: I recently found Jesus
ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?
LinkedIn is severely overestimating how often I “congratulate” people.
I’m seriously considering adoption who wants me.
The sun got the nerve to be out.
Don’t just stand there, DO SOMETHING
Me: Do we really have to share my dessert?
Her: Don’t worry, I eat like a bird.
girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said
Every time my boyfriend and I break up, we get back together for half the length of our previous relationship. My friends say it’s unhealthy, but as a student of mathematics, I know it’s bound to end in a finite amount of time.
Chairperson: So Dave is calling this season ‘fall’ because the leaves fall off the trees. Have we a name for the next one?
Dave: Death!
Chair: Ok Dave, calm down. Anybody else? Anybody.
6: daddy can u turn up the cold heat
Me: I…I’m not sure what to do
I’d get my mind out of the gutter, but I think it’s wrong to remove an animal from its natural habitat.
*holding 7 steak knives*
DO I LOOK CRAZY TO YOU
Boss: the company wants you to know it’s ok to struggle mentally
Me: ok
Boss: like… don’t tho
cop: thanks for saving us but why is your underwear on wrong
superman: lmao they’re not on wrong
cop:
superman: wait is this wrong
[during sex]
Him: are you on your phone?
Me: it’s called live tweeting maybe you’ve heard of it
it’s really cute when pets sigh. like what ails u lil buddy
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I didn’t floss?
DENTIST: *rips off cop mask* I gotcha now, you son of a-
I made my 4-year-old sit at the table till she finished her lunch
It took her 3 hours
She was so excited to be done
Then I served dinner.
I work hard.
I play hard.
I do the groceries hard.
I cook hard.
I read hard.
I laugh hard.
I watch tv hard.– Viagra addict
me: babe watch me flip this omelette!
her: cool
me: now watch me kick flip this omelette!!
her: sick!!!
I once walked out of a movie because the actor’s fake typing was so bad.
There is no wrong response when someone tells you they have named their pet after you.
My kid was struggling to solve a complex math problem and tried unsuccessfully to ask Alexa for help. Being the responsible parent I am, I explained the best way to crowdsource a solution is to post the wrong answer on Reddit and 500 peeps will correct you in minutes.
Don’t be afraid to ask questions during a job interview. It’s the best way to find out if the person you’re interviewing is a good candidate for the job.
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.
Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on:
If you don’t believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.
the things my dad sends my mom 😭😂
The government is dysfunctional and needs to be fixed I’ll probably fall in love with it any minute
Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved