Cop: have you been drinking tonight?
Me: no sir
Cop: *rips off mask to reveal my mother* well you need to stay hydrated
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I’d like to thank the municipal snow plow for recreating the wall from Game of Thrones at the end of my driveway
“I SWEAR TO GOD, SANTA WILL FLING HIMSELF OVER THIS HOUSE LIKE A SPEED BUMP IF YOU DON’T STOP FIGHTING.”
— Advent door 21
I just saw a woman outside sitting alone on a bench and staring at nothing and it made me so sad. I wonder what happened to her phone?
I said something about the 1918 influenza and my friend’s like “that’s how Edward Cullen died”
I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.
We need to make art so weird that when the tech companies try using it to train AI, the AI goes “listen I don’t know what this is and I’m scared”.
*Runs into bank with gun*
Alright! Everyone put your hands up!
*Tickles everyone*
I finally got some me time away from the kids. Two whole hours. It would’ve been longer but my legs went numb crouching behind the dryer.
Hot girls who complain that you can’t get laid… do you live on a deserted island?
It’s me against the world! That’s how gravity works
I’m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.
My wife told me, “I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me.”
I said, “You have perfect eyesight.”
LITTLE BO PEEP: I’ve lost my sheep! I can’t remember where to find them!
DOCTOR: Sounds like Lambnesia
I love the meaningful conversations I have with my son.
“YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR FORTNITE GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!”
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “Leg day at the gym.”
Don’t compare yourself to other people but if you must, compare yourself to someone objectively worse.
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything you have in the house
– cook two to fourteen hours.
My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.
My toddler just told me I’m the best mummy ever because I “bought the good cheese for once” so I’ll be riding this high until her next tantrum
girls on tinder will say “your parents will love me but your neighbors won’t” like what are you gonna do? start mowing at 7am on a saturday??
Hey small town pharmacy workers. I’m gonna need you to stop yelling about my meds as I am most certainly surrounded by former teachers, ex boyfriends, and/or relatives.
I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
PRO TIP:
Take all those used candy wrappers, put them in a paper towel, squish it into a ball, and then throw it away.That way, your kids won’t know you ate 20 candy bars before any trick or treaters showed up.
me: i need a new hat to wear for when i go sailing on my yacht
salesman: cap size?
me: i hope not
People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.
Nicknames are way more fun when the other person doesn’t know they have one.
Welcome back to Taco Addicts Anonymous. Congratulations everyone here on stayin clean for 4 months and-
[loud crunch noise in back of room]
Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.