Italian mafia fugitive caught after posting cooking show on YouTube
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while pouring my morning coffee it just occurred to me that the name of rapper/singer Flo Rida is a play on Florida, the state where he’s from. I’m starting to understand why I never got a response to my Mensa application
my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking
No, honey, you aren’t a “hot mess” or a “beautiful disaster”.
You are a psycho with mascara.
#OscarsWeNeed Achievement in Misleading Trailers
I don’t like doing the same things again so much that I can never be a serial killer.
Me grinning like a jackass with my luggage labelled “ wayward son” and waiting for them to ask checked bag or carry-on
I can tolerate a lot of the familial depravity in #HouseOfTheDragon but I gotta draw the line at someone naming both of their twins Eric
When my girl was five I was reading to her from a little book about George Washington.
Me: As a boy he liked to ride horses and fish.
Her: He liked to ride fish?!
It’s been nine years but in my mind he’s still riding that big beautiful fish.
My neighbor told me his son watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth tomorrow?
Pizza will never hurt your feelings.
Watching the history channel and feeling clever when the guy said “and this dinosaur was called pterodactyl” and I’m thinking “called by who, there was nobody there”
When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?
[first date]
ME: I’m having a great time
HER: I’m not
ME: *peeking out from my pillow fort* I don’t even let my dog in here, Janet
More “kills” on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is…. American Swiper.
[a giant killer salmon is attacking the city]
cop: [throws smoke bomb]
me: “all you’ve done is make him extra delicious you idiot”
My birthstone is a sushi roll.
When you’ve already coughed 3 times in class and you’re trying not to cough again
I wish more modern politics was about trying to stop the fulfilment of an ancient prophesy.
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything
Internet Explorer: so about last night
Me: Oh, i used you for flash.
IE: Are we back together, am i your default?
Me: don’t make this weird
Imagine “are you ready for some football?” sung to the tune of “Do You Want To Build A Snowman?” Yes I’m trying to ruin this for everyone.
time travel is only valuable to me if it helps me find where I put my keys
Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.
– No child ever.
“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.
*requests to be buried in jaws of T-Rex skeleton so it looks like I went out fighting*
If you believe you can pass a drug test by drinking large amounts of water, you’re just diluting yourself.
The keys to a successful marriage include separate bank accounts, separate bathrooms, and separate Netflix profiles
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
Inflatable mattresses are great if you like your bed to slowly eat you.