Today while I was giving my dog a bath a spider fell out of her fur and ran across the sink. If you need me, I’ll be in therapy for the next 48 years.
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Me at 25: I would never date anyone who smokes.
Me now: I would never date anyone.
I finished 3 books today. Believe me, that’s a lot of coloring…
Note to self: do not get drunk and wear jeans that have 6 buttons.
Ever smell a permanent marker and accidently color the tip of your nose black?
Related: They’re called permanent markers for a reason.
My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle
My daughter, when I ask her to clean up.
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* uh oh
WIFE (points at my google search for “cry orbs with layers”): how the hell do you forget the word “onion”
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: would you like me to throw that away for you?
RACCOON: *clutching banana peel* this is my carry on thank you very much
The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?…”
I gave my baby a teething toy so she would stop chewing on my fingers.
She wasn’t interested because it didn’t scream out in pain.
Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.
When everybody knows my name I’ll find a new place…
How much for the mirror?
Ma’am that’s the cover of Vogue
Pro-Tip: if you check yourself into the asylum you get a bed, good meds and three squares a day without having to do any chores.
A man rejecting my advances can’t hurt me. I have a dog who leaves the bed every time I climb in.
Humans should grow a new set of teeth in our 30s to make-up for all the poor decisions in our 20s.
Let’s give each other some bad writing advice!
Type “You’re not a real writer unless you” then let predictive text do it’s thing.
Mine:
“You’re not a real writer unless you are an expert in the middle east.”
Oddly specific.
“I love Worcestershire sauce.”
“What’s so special about it?”
“It’s hard to say.”
[First day working in a warehouse]
ME: What’s that machine for?
“Oh, that’s the forklift”
ME: OH MY GOD HOW HEAVY ARE YOUR FORKS??
So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”
“My name will live forever!” – Anonymous.
Boomers: we don’t share our feelings.
Millennials: we share all of our feelings.
Gen X: feelings?
[bank robbery]
Robber 1: put money in the bag
Robber 2: how come u get to be robber 1?
Robber 4: how do u think I feel. There’s only 3 of us
The dog was pooping and before he finished a woman approached me and asked “Are you going to pick this up?” I picked it up and replied to her “I have no choice, this is my food”, and I walked away.
when your pet decides to sleep on your bed
A table tale✨
#TheRingsOfPower
Turns out men don’t like being asked when their due date is either
me: [sneaking out of a funeral] this is DEAD boring lol
mourner: [whispering] hey where’s the priest going
If you are between 8 -16 years old and not whiskey, you are annoying.
it’s a van. how do they not know this