I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.
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My husband won’t let me pick up wood at Home Depot because he doesn’t want it scratched or bent but I can take care of his children daily.
Dog: I will do anything for you
Human: drop the ball
Dog: nope
Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance
Just ate three bottles of Flintstone’s vitamins and threw my car like a frisbee
He arrives mysteriously. Helps others, performs miracles, is betrayed, dies, is resurrected, and ascends into the heavens.
– E.T. (1982) PG
My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking “How do you think you’re paying for that, with your good looks?”
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t wear a blanket to work
I once walked out of a movie because the actor’s fake typing was so bad.
Uh, guys… I just heard from my doctor, and it’s bad news. If you’ve retweeted me recently, you should really go get yourself checked out.
The Blue Tooth in your ear tells me you are expecting an important call.
At Walmart.
At 8:00 AM.
On Sunday.
In the snack food aisle.
Ma’am.
“losing/taking virginity”
– turns sex into an object
– places pressure on the decision
– you don’t actually lose or take anything ?“sexual debut”
– exciting
– all focus is on u
– suggests a musical number is involved
My parents are happily celebrating their 50th anniversary. “That will be you and me one day,” I quietly whisper to the gym membership I can’t cancel.
I just need to go ahead and admit it.
I’m not mature enough to live in a state called Idaho
If you boil a funny bone does it then become a laughing stock.
“If I eat my arm, I can’t technically gain any weight” – my thought process after only 5 days of dieting.
I’m doomed.
In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.
**You’re through to 911, dial 1 for human cops, dial 2 for lobster cops**
[smashes 2 frantically while crayfish tries to break down my door]
My signature sex move is what I call “The Heinz Ketchup”.
That’s where I flip you over and spank your bottom until you give me what I want.
Terminator: I’LL BE BACK
Me: Ok so I’ll see you…termi-later haha
Terminator: Actually I probably won’t be back
My favourite machine at the gym is the television.
HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night
ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?
HIM: I have to go now
I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks
Good luck sending me mixed signals. Most the time I can’t even understand the direct ones.
My Jehovah Witness girlfriend dumped me this new year, but I’m not that worried though.
She’ll come back knocking!!!
You’re in a room with a murderer and someone who makes sandwiches with the crust end of the bread and you have 1 bullet. Who do-
“Bread guy”
Neo is 57-years-old he’s definitely taking the blue pills.
I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel. It was tomorrow.
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
In sibling math no matter which half they’re given, it’s always smaller.
I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.