I would throw myself under a duvet for you.
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The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious
I’m so white when I eat sushi they just bring me a fork they don’t even ask
Heard another parent tell their kid that when the ice cream truck plays its jingle
it means they’ve sold out of ice cream. Using that now.
[therapy session]
THERAPIST: ok…I totally respect your feelings & you sound genuine…but that was just the plot of Jurassic Park
ME: nuh uh
If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.
A large group of other people’s children is called a “Nope”.
Hotel garbage cans are way too small.
How the hell am I supposed to fit my 8 take out containers, 5 empty bottles of wine, and cake tin in there?!
Superhero movie idea: the Avengers have to fight the evil Dr. Zoom, who traps innocent people in useless, back to back Zoom meetings.
APPLE GENIUS: [looks around nervously] if I had a criticism of this phone it would be that-
{trapdoor}
NEW APPLE GENIUS: that it’s perfect.
Don’t know what this myth is about cell usage blowing up a gas pump. I’m filling my tank right now. See? It’s no big de
When you say you’re a “foodie”, that means you like to eat gross food and then pretend that you like it? When I was a kid that just meant I got dessert.
What doesn’t kill you makes you tired af holy shit
*Scrolls TL*
Politics. Subtweet. Peen avi. Poor girl is constipated. Drama. WHORE. Stoned. Sexually frustrated. BOOBS!
*sips juicebox*
[1st date]
Me: don’t let him know you’re a lobster
Him: we should check out my hot-tub later
Me: ‘yeah…sure’ *nervously clicks claws*
*watching a billionaire above me burn 300 gallons of fuel flying to applebees* oh no i didn’t bring my own bag to the store
Work in retail. If we say it’s not out the back, it’s not. But you pricks insist so we say fine and take a free break. Once I was hungover so took a cheeky nap, came out 15mins later pretending I’d looked EVERYWHERE. She was so grateful I tried, told my manager I was fantastic.
[invention of croutons]
Let’s make eating salad hurt
The fastest way to break your favorite mug is to say “I love this mug”.
$6 for two cookies at the farmer’s market.
They better have been made using organic free range children’s tears.
Pro Tip: If you stand outside a restaurant wearing a red jacket, people will literally just give you their car.
*talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog’s water bowl*
Any room can be a room with a view if you are in it.
Seeing a bicycle cop is like seeing a snake wearing a lil top hat. Like I know you’re dangerous but c’mon, look at you lol
Breaking news!? Shark sighting off Daytona shores. It’s the ocean! That’s where they live. I saw a bird in the sky. Report that too!
If Ariana Grande made a lot of money selling designer chokers her song would have been called Thank U, Necks
ME: *staring into my lover’s eyes in the midst of a warm embrace*
HER: What are you thinking?
ME: *caressing her cheek* I forgot your name.
You can be rough with me – the healthcare is free. #MakeCanadaSexier
I always set two wake up alarms, one for the person I want to be and one for the person I am
I was a teenager when “Go to your room” was a punishment and not the same as saying “Go to your arcade/shopping mall/video chat room/infinite music and video library/recording booth/photo studio.”
If you do not stop arguing I WILL turn this car around and around and around creating a time vortex teleporting me back to before I had kids